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I don’t know exactly how to title this post other than ‘Prayers Answered’. That’s the only thing I can think to label it right now because that’s exactly what it is honestly. More so that I’ve been waiting to do it. It’s been 20 years this year that my 2 yr. old nephew and my sister have been gone. Leaving her youngest son, the sole survivor of that night. Not too long afterwards I found out what that fireman claimed to have done, that he ‘saved’ my nephew’s life. I was enraged, disgusted, angry, mad, spiteful. All the feelings a person in my situation would’ve and could’ve felt about hearing such a bullshit lie. Regardless of his career and devotion to saving others, didn’t grant him the rights to make such a bold claim. What’s even worse is that no one ever told him any different, letting him grow up to think it was true. I’ve expressed my opinion countless times with different family members. Those I felt were close enough to him to know if he’d be able to handle knowing the truth after so much time has passed. With him being a grown man, having a family of his own. Time and again I was shut down way before any conversation ever took place. No sooner than I’d think it, I was shut down, cold, no room for discussion. It rendered me speechless but still enraged. Enraged to the point where I couldn’t stand to continuously hear that he didn’t need to know, to let it be. What’s in the past, stays in the past.
I know I got to the point where I kept thinking to myself, ‘Tina, he’s a grown ass man now and if it’s so important that you feel he still needs to know the truth after all these years then so be it, tell him’. So that’s what I did. I was really feeling inside my soul that he would be able to handle knowing the truth of the matter. I mean, he grew up to be a fireman himself. I sent out a message via Messenger not long after he accepted my friend request on Facebook. However, in the message I told him I felt he should meet with me in person in order for me to tell him what it was. I checked Messenger off and on after that. Each time it remained unread and unopened. I checked another time and saw he had actually opened and read it but just hadn’t responded yet. It was only yesterday when checking my emails did i see a notification I had a waiting message from him that I hadn’t read. You guys I swear I’d dreamt that he replied to me but in reality he never did. Then that dream came to pass where he actually did.
Man, when I realized he actually messaged me back I flew to the play store and downloaded the Messenger app, quickly typing out a message letting him know I wasn’t ignoring him and that I just saw where he hit me back. I never expected him to have his phone in hand or respond right then but he did. Instantly I began shaking because I was so excited. My hands text with a flurry of movement and I was misspelling words and including emoji’s I didn’t mean to. It was crazy I was that nervous just messaging back-n-forth with my nephew, but I hadn’t seen him since his 10th bday I think. I stuck to my guns though letting him know I thought I should tell him something like I had to say through a message. When he told me he speaks better like we were messaging than he does in person, I couldn’t help but respect him. He’s been a shy person since he was little. I think I had to prepare myself more than I was trying to prepare him just to tell him what it was I’ve been wanting him to know since he could first understand the words. Him being a fireman and all now he told me he’s dealt with a lot of deaths in a lot of ways other people couldn’t ever handle. He’s right about that because to this day I still can’t watch someone or something catch on fire, explode, or burn even just in the movies on tv. I have to look away every time.
I gathered up all my courage and told him. When I told him about the woman that was the first to hold him after he was pulled out the back door during the fire he asked me if that was the woman who looked like his mom. I told him I didn’t think she did because of her dark hair. But I guess I could see how he’d think that because he can still remember the safety of her arms around him holding him tightly all the way to the hospital in the ambulance. His sister even told me once that he can still remember certain things from that night even if he doesn’t remember every detail. I thought it was very impressive and even a little scary because he wasn’t even 2 years old when it happen. He was barely 15 months, yet he can specifically recall things and he’s right about what he remembers. That was the extent of how serious the trauma was he experienced.
Although I did tell him I didn’t want what I told him to cause him any regrets about the decisions or choices he’s made so far. Just in case they were based off thinking that, that man was his hero and that his choice to become a fireman was based on the man who lied to him. Especially about such an important factor that might have played a serious role in his life. Was I ever glad when he told me he made all his choices on his own, based off of what he felt in his heart. That he chose to be the man he is today because that’s what he wanted to do. Not because it was what another person influenced upon him.
Having finally achieved what I’ve been compelled to say for 20 years now, I feel a sense of gratification, a sense of satisfaction, knowing I was finally able to tell him what I’ve planned for so long. Conscious cleansed. Not only just all of what I’ve just told you guys either. The main thing is he finally knows the names and has seen the faces of the people who were the real hero’s that night. I asked him if he maybe thought he’d reach out and talk to them or planed on wanting to really meet them. He said he didn’t know just yet. He did however ask me if I’d send him their Facebook profiles or the information about who they really are so he’d know. I couldn’t figure out a way to share their profile so I took a picture of the profile of the woman he wouldn’t let go of that night instead. The guy that saved him, his name is Rodney Rives, was even nominated for a congressional medal of honor for what he did. He had Jacob out of the house before any EMS arrived on the scene. That’s being fast on your feet if you ask me. Plus, this man was sick and running a fever of 104.7 because his teeth were bad and infected. It didn’t stop him from jumping up, running outside, jumping the fence and kicking in the door to pull him out though. For that I’m forever going to be eternally grateful. To Rodney and his wife Nichole.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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