I had to wake up earlier than normal this morning because I’ve got a doctor’s appointment, I forgot I made for 8am. Last night I made a post about how my ol’ man is the only one who can rile me up way faster than anyone I know. Don’t you know he did it again this morning after me giving him ‘that don’t fuck with me because I’m not in the mood for sass’! He made a snide comment about how he only had to go to our family doctor every 3 months basically asking why I’ve been having to go on a monthly basis here lately. I looked at him with another one of my 10k crazy facial expressions and using my own snide voice I told him I guess it was because of how high my BP has been running, and they’ve worried about it (unlike how he was acting). Then finished my remark by saying I didn’t really know, why didn’t he ask them when we got there and then he’d know. He didn’t like what I said. How did he say it? ‘You didn’t have to throw it up like that at me the way you did’. Sorry, not sorry. Then he said he could tell when his BP was high because the tips of his ears get red. He asked me if I couldn’t tell when mine was running high. I said no, not all the time I couldn’t and as far as I know I don’t have any tells that gives it away when its running high. I was first put on blood pressure meds a lil over a year ago and it’s been steadily increased ever since. One of the highest readings I can recall is 207/117 when it was being checked on a weekly basis. That’s extreme if you don’t know what a normal reading is supposed to be. My years of a regular blood pressure reading have come and gone probably never to be seen again, unless by some miracle it gets better on its own. (Which I seriously doubt).
There are some days I wonder why I married such a grouchy ol’ man. But then I look back on all the wonderful memories we share with each other since we’ve been together, and it comes flooding back to me all over again. When me and my ex separated, I swear I didn’t think I was ever going to get over that man. You know how there’s always that one? Well, he was mine for me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe with him whispering in my ear reminding me to inhale, and slowly exhale. Yeah, I was literally sick with it. But then I was out one morning, or early afternoon and I ran into Greg at the gas station up the road from where I lived when we were neighbors. I knew he like me, and I used to think to myself he wasn’t a bad looking older dude. Plus, I’ve always dated people older than myself, and he was cute in his own lil way. I told him what he’d been wishing, hoping for years to hear and told him that B and I broke up. That I moved out and everything. He perked up after I said that. I told him where I was staying, and he started coming over and visiting me soon afterwards.
When I tell you I was ate up with my ex I literally mean that in the most dangerous, and sickest possible ways that I can’t stress enough. I had sunk into a deep depression to the point I was barely eating anything, and I’d lost a lot of weight. Back then though, I couldn’t afford to lose that much weight because I didn’t have it to lose like that. My oldest, my son, wasn’t even 10-years old yet and my daughter was only 4 1/2 maybe 5-years old when we split up. I looked forward to Greg’s visit more and more every day that went by. He’d come like every other day, maybe twice a week or so at first. When my cell phone rang, and it was him I answered real fast not letting it go to voicemail like I did when it was anyone else. If he told me he was coming over, I’d have my kids help me straighten up as fast as we could because he lived right down the road. He’d always cheer me up and make me laugh so hard my belly literally would cramp to the point I couldn’t hardly catch a breath. I loved it. Laughter really is one of the best natural medicines of all time. If it weren’t for his comedian like behavior, I can’t say I’d have gotten better at coping or dealing with my depression.
I honestly thought I’d be with B forever, and that we were meant to get married spending the rest of our lives together. Like I said though, I thought that’s the way it was supposed to play out. I did things for that man, things I’ve not done since, and won’t ever do again for anyone. I can definitely say he was not only that one absolute love of my life, but he was a part of my spirit, part of my soul. He knew me better than I knew myself. I came to realize long after we separated, we were toxic asf together. We only ever brought out the worst in each other. We knew what each of us could do to push each other’s buttons and pissing us each other off to the point that any rules, if such a thing exists, went out the fuckin window. Meaning we’d say whatever we could to hurt the other the worst. His was telling me he wished he never got me pregnant when I was 8 months along. I know most everybody has heard of people all of sudden having a burst of strength from an adrenaline rush. Well, no sooner than he let those words fly off his lips I was up, on my feet, clearing the coffee table with what seemed like one step, and snatched him by the neck with one hand. I continued moving forward until I had him backed in the corner behind the front door. I don’t know why I looked down, but I did, and I noticed that I lifted him to where he was standing only on the tips of his toes. Between clenched teeth I looked him dead in his eyes and told him in the most threatening and menacing voice I think I’ve ever heard come from me, that he’d better never say that to me again. Looking back while telling you about it now, brings a small smile to my face, for real it made me laugh a lil. It’s really not funny, but it is now, to me at least.
Realizing how toxic relationships can get, especially when drugs are involved, is some seriously scary shit. That next level type shit. By that I mean it’s done passed the point of no return to where if you catch them fuckin with anyone else you know with everything inside of you that you’d end up putting your hands that person, not thinking twice about it. That’s where I was stuck, admittedly, for some years after we’d been separated. I wondered if those feeling, thoughts, whatever tf they were, would ever leave. Knowing you could be made to feel that vulnerable by another person is a scary reality. If you’re not careful it could very well happen without you even knowing. It’s that sneaky. Which is what makes it so scary. I never want to feel those type of feeling like that again.
The relationship between my husband and I used to be toxic. Not on the level it was when B and I were together though. But I consider it was close enough because that’s the only type of love I knew. That toxic type of love. So, in the beginning I made things difficult for me and Greg. That’s what I’d known for more than 10 years. It’s all I knew about love and how I thought it was supposed to be between couples. I wasn’t even in my 20s when B and I started seeing each other. But after some years later down the road, things became a lot easier between Greg and I because he had the patience with me like I have with my grandson. He taught me the right way and showed me how things between a couple were meant to be. And I learned, albeit the hardest way possible, but eventually I did.
I thank God every day for having him in my life. Marriage between couples aren’t supposed to be picture perfect by no means. You’re bound to get on each other’s last nerve a lot throughout the relationship. If you don’t then something is very wrong. One of you aren’t caring enough about the other if you live in complete peace and harmony. That’s my opinion anyways. We live by trial and error and eventually, hopefully we end up getting it right. It’s never too late to try things a different way if it can only help you become a better person, spouse, confidant, lover, friend, mother, daughter, and all around a better person than you were starting out. Especially if your start was dysfunctional, and an outright obstacle course like my first one was for me.
Today I live my life trying to make no promises because of how often I broke them in the past. Instead of promising anything I choose to say I’ll try or I vow to do my best. I don’t define me based on my past anymore. I define myself with the woman I am today and how much I’ve grown and matured, becoming the responsible adult I’ve always wanted to be. I have my husband to thank for all of it. It was because of his love and support and the fact that he was the only one who ever stood behind me encouraging me in the most positive ways only, that I’m the me I am right now, in this moment. The reason my kids and my parents are proud of me and all I’ve accomplished by the grace of God.
NOTE: I didn’t know when I started writing this morning that it would turn out to be all of this. But hey, maybe, just maybe, there’s someone who needed to know they aren’t the only one that’s ever been through any of the things I written about, or felt the feelings I described having myself. The frustration I was dealing with early this morning ended up being an entire article about the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my life. Which also turned out being a very important subject people everywhere should know if by chance they don’t.