Jenny I wished you were still here with me. In my life this very moment in time. Why God would take the 2 away people that meant the most in the world to me, from us (WAY too early might add). I’ll never know I guess until we meet that one special day. But dammit if it ain’t hard as hell coping with this heartbreaking disease without you!! What am I gonna do Jenn, if she forgets who we are? I know she’s not at that stage just yet. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. Hell, obsessing over it for real. And yes, I know that’s sad shit, but honestly, I have nothing else as serious as this that’s continuosly running constantly in my mind other than our momma.
Things at home are actually going really good for me. This man I’m with? Sis, he literally saved my life. He damn near put all the broken pieces of me back together and I’m happier in life (my very own married life)now, than I have ever been. Even when it’s compared to when B and i were together. You already know the fights with my heart, and my souls demons, how long it took to get the fuck over his ass.
Update on B;he’s currently incarcerated with more than a couple charges. The worst being a ‘strangultion’ charge that is now a felony. The other’s I’m not really sure of. Don’t really care, either. I know that sounds rude asf. But I want him to get better < Yeah! I’m that one (1) baby momma >. He’s my daughter’s dad. I care what happens to him, and his mental health. Feel me? But that’s a story for another day. I still haven’t been able to tell you all about how we split.
<< You guys I’m being totally 100% raw right this very second. I have been super vulnerable, and very overwhelmingly emotional.. Please bare with me as I finsh the post>>
When she was in the hospital thinking she was gonna miss dad’s birthday party, that she planned out by herself. I was dyin inside, praying she was home before then. I was so proud of her for organizing the entire freaking day, man. I know you were too. Ain’t even gotta send me a sign on that there saying anything other than. She called me everyday. You know that too thought so let me try and touch on the most important parts. I’ll stay on track way better. During one particular call I asked her if they were showing themselves there. She was starting to cry.
Clearing throat. . . Wiping face. . .
Obviously I asked her if she was okay. That’s when it hit me like a frieght train. Tearing me to pieces. That’s when I knew she saw some of them. I can’t tell you how even more fucked in the head that she’d confirmed my suspiscious then an there. Whenever I asked her what they looked like, then she described them to perfection. That’s when I seriously took note this is very real for her and scaring the shit outta her. Some days are worse than others. I had to have a very serious talk with her about what not to do , or say so she could come home (when I talked with her). Why? Because it was only after her release I found out she’d been in a hospital alright!! In their psych ward.
Our momma ain’t goin back into no damn psych ward, nor dropped at a nursing home. I’d move in with them at their new place if I have to in order for she can stay at home. Dad’s just concerned about how he doesn’tknow how to care for anyone with any type of issue, as severe as dimensia can get and he’s worries himself inside his head everyday while putting on a front like he’s emotionally just fine. Oh, I forgot to tell I let my grudge with him go. Okay, almost all the way. Let me just say I told him if you forgave him before you passed then I could too. He started crying and hugging me so tight. That was a good day.
I’ve went to two (2) different doctors appointments, in two (2) different places, on two (2) different days back-to-back. The first day with my first appointment was smooth sailing because it was group at my clinic. I love group. I’ve got a one-on-one scheduled for next week because I seriously need to get some nasty, burdensome shit outta my heart, off my mind, hell, I might even just cry for the entire hour, hell who knows? I do know that until momma’s problem is actually diagnosed that it’s gonna still be carried with me every minute of every day that passes. I’ve also gotta do some research on it too. I wanna know as much as I can about what’s going on with her, ya know?
I’m gonna stop for now sis. I love and miss you more than words could possibly descibe. I wished I could see you like momma sees these people. I know that might sound fucked up. But looking at it from my perspective I know who you are, and without me having anything wrong with me. I rest my case.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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