GOD! I MISS YOU!!!
Jenny I wished you were still here with me. In my life this very moment in time. Why God would take the 2 away people that meant the most in the world to me, from us (WAY too early might add). I’ll never know I guess until we meet that one special day. But dammit if it ain’t hard as hell coping with this heartbreaking disease without you!! What am I gonna do Jenn, if she forgets who we are? I know she’s not at that stage just yet. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. Hell, obsessing over it for real. And yes, I know that’s sad shit, but honestly, I have nothing else as serious as this that’s continuosly running constantly in my mind other than our momma.
Things at home are actually going really good for me. This man I’m with? Sis, he literally saved my life. He damn near put all the broken pieces of me back together and I’m happier in life (my very own married life) now, than I have ever been. Even when it’s compared to when B and i were together. You already know the fights with my heart, and my souls demons, how long it took to get the fuck over his ass.
Update on B; he’s currently incarcerated with more than a couple charges. The worst being a ‘strangultion’ charge that is now a felony. The other’s I’m not really sure of. Don’t really care, either. I know that sounds rude asf. But I want him to get better < Yeah! I’m that one (1) baby momma >. He’s my daughter’s dad. I care what happens to him, and his mental health. Feel me? But that’s a story for another day. I still haven’t been able to tell you all about how we split.
<< You guys I’m being totally 100% raw right this very second. I have been super vulnerable, and very overwhelmingly emotional.. Please bare with me as I finsh the post>>
When she was in the hospital thinking she was gonna miss dad’s birthday party, that she planned out by herself. I was dyin inside, praying she was home before then. I was so proud of her for organizing the entire freaking day, man. I know you were too. Ain’t even gotta send me a sign on that there saying anything other than. She called me everyday. You know that too thought so let me try and touch on the most important parts. I’ll stay on track way better. During one particular call I asked her if they were showing themselves there. She was starting to cry.
Clearing throat. . . Wiping face. . .
Obviously I asked her if she was okay. That’s when it hit me like a frieght train. Tearing me to pieces. That’s when I knew she saw some of them. I can’t tell you how even more fucked in the head that she’d confirmed my suspiscious then an there. Whenever I asked her what they looked like, then she described them to perfection. That’s when I seriously took note this is very real for her and scaring the shit outta her. Some days are worse than others. I had to have a very serious talk with her about what not to do , or say so she could come home (when I talked with her). Why? Because it was only after her release I found out she’d been in a hospital alright!! In their psych ward.
Our momma ain’t goin back into no damn psych ward, nor dropped at a nursing home. I’d move in with them at their new place if I have to in order for she can stay at home. Dad’s just concerned about how he doesn’t know how to care for anyone with any type of issue, as severe as dimensia can get and he’s worries himself inside his head everyday while putting on a front like he’s emotionally just fine. Oh, I forgot to tell I let my grudge with him go. Okay, almost all the way. Let me just say I told him if you forgave him before you passed then I could too. He started crying and hugging me so tight. That was a good day.
I’ve went to two (2) different doctors appointments, in two (2) different places, on two (2) different days back-to-back. The first day with my first appointment was smooth sailing because it was group at my clinic. I love group. I’ve got a one-on-one scheduled for next week because I seriously need to get some nasty, burdensome shit outta my heart, off my mind, hell, I might even just cry for the entire hour, hell who knows? I do know that until momma’s problem is actually diagnosed that it’s gonna still be carried with me every minute of every day that passes. I’ve also gotta do some research on it too. I wanna know as much as I can about what’s going on with her, ya know?
I’m gonna stop for now sis. I love and miss you more than words could possibly descibe. I wished I could see you like momma sees these people. I know that might sound fucked up. But looking at it from my perspective I know who you are, and without me having anything wrong with me. I rest my case.