I sit here day in and day out seeming that each of them are the same.
A lot of those days I feel I have so much chaos inside my head, I think I’ve forgotten my own name.
The only thing on my mind has been worrying over my mom’s mental state.
Constantly reassuring her everything is gonna be just fine, given any rate.
Seeing people who aren’t actually there. Causing my father to think she’s slowly going crazy.
I remind him to not be so judgemental, because his mind isn’t anywhere as sharp as it once used to be. For his own mind has grown severely hazy.
I carry all these worries inside of my head, being stuck on repeat playing all the time. Over and over just like a movie where everyday that goes by is the same day everyday.
How do I explain my situation in words? Where someone will. . . Actually understand what I’m talking about? Maybe. . . Sympathize with whatever I’m feeling? I just wanna feel okay.
I pray to God, please bring my mom healing?
But I skeptically question if He’s honestly really listening (to me). I know He hears me. The sucky thing is, our prayers aren’t answered on our time. Or when we want them to be.
I know we don’t always get everything we pray for. At times, it can certainly seem unfair. Like, what could possibly be so bad about anyone? That God would turn a deaf ear to pleas from people’s hearts. Knowing that He’s the only one who knows our truths inside and out.
But what can we do? Nothing. What can we say? Whatever we want. Make sure you’re paying attention to your surroundings everywhere. Keeping things clear enough that way you can always see.
Mom is here visiting with me now. She got here about an hour ago. I asked her if she saw any of the people that she saw at her place, here in my house. After she looked around for a few seconds she told me “No”. I’m not gonna lie and say I wasn’t relieved to hear her response. I told her she could talk about anything she wanted to while she was here and she doesn’t have to worry about anything getting back to my dad.
There’s something about the way my father makes you feel bad, for feeling bad.
I’d tell you all about it but I’d only have nubs left for fingers when I finished typing it all out. He’d probably pick up a few haters along the way if I really did it. If he hasn’t got some already, which I’m damn near 100% positive he does. Shitty thing about a lot of those haters, they’re mostly fam.
Since my great-great-grandparents passed away when I was in my teenage years, it’s like no one really gives a damn.
See, so much shits inside my head I’m jumping all over and can’t stick to the thing I set out to write. My stress, worries, racing thoughts, and sleepless nights.
I wish I were still an innocent child at times. Playing outside with my sister flying our big red and yellow kites.
I can’t recall or even remember for that matter, hearing myself wishing that I couldn’t wait to be a grownup. If I only knew what I know now, I wouldn’t have wished so hard for it to hurry up and happen, okay?.
Now look at all that’s happened to me. And all the heartache I’ve been through that’s literally scarred me for the remainder of my life. Sometimes things get better. Even easier to cope with as time goes by. I’m a product of time healing some wounds I thought would never go away.
Don’t leave the people around you that truly care and love you. Wanting nothing but the best life has to offer you. Stick around, keep them around. Because those are the ones who truly do care. So, why not stay?
Time to bring this never ending story to an end for now. I know more will soon be added. When? I can’t exactly say. My plate is almost as full as my brain is on the inside. Keep me and mine in your prayers (if you pray). Thank you.
Me staying positive and never giving up, I’ll continue to do.