i think i had to know you to learn what love wasn’t. it wasn’t this tall, dark shadow looming over me at every turn. it wasn’t hating myself everyday, it wasn’t sleepless nights and days i could barely make it through. it wasn’t locking myself in conference rooms to break down in tears at least once a week. it wasn’t jumping and flinching at every little sound and looking over my shoulder in case you came up from behind me. it wasn’t feeling like an ugly, disgusting, unintelligent failure all the time.
it wasn’t fear, and it wasn’t depression, and it wasn’tworthlessness. that was all you gave me. i just couldn’t see past you. and as long as i was in your presence i could never break free. you poisoned my mind, addling my brain like an addiction until i thought i needed you to survive.
as with any drug, the withdrawal was brutal even more depression, constant tears. what i didn’t realize was that it wasn’t all that different from how i felt when i was around you.
i didn’t realize until you weren’t there anymore and i felt. . . free.
i danced for the first time in months, sang along to the radio, found myself smiling as i walked around lost in thought – because my thoughts were finally my own, not some poisonous carcinogen polluting my veins.