Do I ever cross your mind?

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I knew when you left that you’d forget about me. That you’d never come visit like you constantly reminded me you would. One day at work we while we’re talking you promised me that you’ll come visi and you wouldn’t forget.

If there’s any one person in this world who knows life has a tendency to take over, carrying you along with it, then it would be me. Now knowing that. Know this to! You really had me believing the words that came out of your mouth as they rolled off your tongue.

The fucked up thing about it all though. . .

With every word you spoke from your mouth, swearing to me that you’d keep your word, I felt it. It really felt like you were being sincere.

Keeping it real.

I believed you’d do exactly what you said you’d do.

I believed for some fucking reason (a reason beyond me, and one I’m sure I’ll never figure out) that somehow I’d be different. That one certain different ‘female’. Different in all the best ways you could possibly think of out of any other female you’ve ever met up with.

That’s how you made me feel anyways. That I was that ‘one’ chick you could admit was different. But you let her get away. Maybe even regret not taking that chance.

Listen at me tell it.

Trying to make the decision seem like it’s all up to you. Here I am, married and we just reached that comfortable point between us. I’d never of been able to make that choice on my own. After all, you played a huge influence whether you ever even realized it or not.

Hell, I haven’t felt those type of feelings since I was way younger. I look at it now and see it almost like a school girl crush.

Remember when I’d come up behind you placing my hands on the tops of your tense shoulders. Only they became loosened, relaxing you to the point you could of fallen asleep standing in front of me with your head laid on my shoulder. The lingering scent of the shampoo from my hair driving you ten kinds of crazy.

Even your bodies reaction to my touch knew before you, yourself ever realized how close you were to me and how comfortable you became. You began confiding in me that you ain’t felt ‘this’ feeling since you let your first real love get away.

Then it happened. . .

You were there working one day. Then gone and being marked off the schedule the next.

Coming into work knowing you weren’t there, whether you were just scheduled off or after you were gone, seemed to cause the time to drag. God how fucking slow it went by. There were so many days I’d come in and you wouldn’t be working that day, and I found myself wishing I’d have called in.

Fuck it! I didn’t wanna be there when you weren’t because those were some of the most boring days ever.

It was a few months later and I was on my way home from work when I decided to check my voicemail. I knew it was probably damn near full if not already, so I wanted to listen and delete all of them except the ones from my momma. I want to keep those, just in case I lost her, god forbid.

Then all of a sudden I heard a man’s voice that was extremely familiar and one that I missed hearing so much. A tingle of excitment went all throughout my body. Not because it was a man’s voice, no. Because it was your’s. That, and you said your name and where we worked. Hearing the rest of your message turned that tingle into what felt like ripples crashing against the barriers of my skin showing themselves in the form of goosbumps. All of that excitement inside of me rose up just hearing your voice after months of not hearing it.

I have no reson or valid excuse as to why I’m even writing this. It’s not like your ever gonna get to see muchless read it. Maybe I’m doing it to get it out and down on paper so you’ll no longer be stuck in my thoughts (deep, deep inside my thoughts). However, I think I’m still harboring these feelings for you. Even still now. Unbeknownst to me they decided to rear their complicated selves to me earlier this afternoon while at work.D

Dammit! That’s probably the reason right there. I was at work, where we first met, and you trained me when I first started. It wasn’t until after you had put in your two week notice that I wrote my first creative piece about you, well, us. Every time I tried reading it to you we’d be interrupted. In the end you never got to even read the words yourself before our time was spent and you were already gone.

One person that heard me reading it knew exactly who it was about without even asking. He tried to say if someone could write something as deep felt as that piece then it was clear that there were feelings involved. Deeper than either one of us had ever admitted, muchless said to one another. You already know I looked at Bruh all kinds of crazy. Shaking my head in denial so vigorously anyone in their right mind would know it was a lie from a mile away.

Honestly though? Whenever I was alone with all my rampid thoughts, I had to really think about if infat it was really true or not. Don’t get me wrong. I’d have loved nothing more than for that to be true for both of us. Sadly however, that’s not the reality of all of it.

I knew with all of me (because I felt it) that when you were looking me in the eyes, you seen my soul. And you knew the whole truth about me, and that I was nothing but honest with you. It was the same whenever I’d look into yours.

Both of us knowing there was enough between us that instead of seeing sparks, it was fireworks popping off and exploding eveey time we were around one another. I’m surprised neither of us had gotten burned.

Here’s what I now know it was between us. Both wanting what we knew neither of us would ever be able to have. And when I made myself aware of that, I knew I had to let you go even though you weren’t mine from jump.

When I told you good bye for that last time, the last day my eyes saw you. You whispered to me not to cry, while at the same time taking your thumb and wiping away the fallen tears from my cheek. You then pulled me into your warm embrace telling me how much you cared for me.

After we pulled apart and I noticed how watery your eyes were, I was bound and determined not to lose it right then and there. But you were more determined. Almost as soon as I noticed your watery eyes they were gone, back to normal. Making me question whether or not I ever saw it to begin with.

You took a huge inhale of breath, placing your hands on each of my arms as you slowly moved me aside to walk that mile out the back door to your baby momma.I

I excused myself to the restroom where i drilled it into myself to keep my shit together. You were never even mine to begin with. So, why did it hurt so much seeing you leave without so much as a backwards glance. At me, or anyone else for that matter.I

I’m glad we were honest with each other about ‘us’ from the very start. If we hadn’t of been you might not have told me that you truly do care about me. Leaving me to wonder all the ‘what-if’s’ and coulda, woulda, shoulda’s.

Not too long ago I saw you while we were driving down the road. You were on your little motorcycle. Oh, how i wanted to stop and fill you in on everything I felt I needed to catch you up on.I

It was so good to hear your voice. And even though I didn’t stop to chit chat, it was so good seeing you. God! You looked so fucking good. Always so fresh and so clean.

Until the day we cross paths again sweety! May God Bless you and keep you and yours safe.

Much loved and Definitely Missed.

I hate goodbyes.

So, how about, I’ll see you later.

Hopefully sooner rather than later!!

About Post Author


I have always loved expressing myself through words & I have been a bookworm since I first started reading. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now, if I could just teach people who can't read & write, HOW to do 2 of the best things to know how to in the world are? They'd be able to read all the beautiful, funny, scary, paranormal, romance, just all the wonderful & fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up with a good book especially on a rainy day. I work out in public, participating in being a functioning & contributing member of society. While at work I was outside smoking a cig & typing away on my Chromebook, when a very polite gentleman asked me how long it took to charge it. Not long I said, at least to be a dinosaur.He told me he knew about the older model I was using. I told him I was using to try my hand at writing a book. He ended up being a bookworm himself. Wishing me nothing but encouragement & success to finish. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their day job. But I'm gonna keep going & I'm gonna keep writing. I won't stop until I know without a doubt that I absolutely cannot succeed. Then. . . Maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chromebook for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though. ((UPDATE: OMG! I've finally connected all my accounts and plugins that I know I've got. Still learning new things tinkering with my website everyday. I'm in the process of learning about my Meta Pixel & how to set it up & send test traffic onto viewing the results provided for my knowledge on how good everything is going about putting my message out there that all I wanna do is help people that really need someone to talk to. I'd never discuss any privileged information. I too am all about my privacy. Still working on some kinks as far as myself goes. Trying to become more self disciplined than what I haven't been like lately. LOL! I do KNOW that my God is Awesome & is always there when I need to be dependent the most. I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers (if you pray) if you don't then please keep me in your positive thoughts in your mind. I need all the positivity and Good Vibes & Karma that I can get sent my way. I only ever wanna better myself by learning & gaining more insight & knowledge in everything I wanna learn how to do with all I'm learning now. I really never thought I was as intelligent as I actually am. NO! I swear I'm not bragging, like with snobbish pride, but pride all the same. Except pride because not only have I learned new things, I've retained the knowledge of everything I've learned how to do! That's whats awesome.))
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