I lierally just woke up with my nack hurting so bad. It was to the point that I xould barely move, and when I did there was wha felt like this explosion in between the discs in my lumbar (lower back), I;m a big cry baby so when I felt how bad it hurt to move I started crying. And this was not a ‘feelings hurt; kinda cry. This was like I was in ‘labor pain’ knda cry. I cried out to my husband but not by his name. I cried out ‘baby’. I did that only a few times and just stopped when I got no reply. I knew he was outside in the garage.
I forced myself to roll over to get in a position to where I could sit up but that was a bad move. Omg! So, I slowly grabbed my body pillow and scooted it under my lose back very gentley. Then not even 2 minutes after I had got semi comfortable,I hear footsteps clapping down the hallway and it’s in my bedroom. My daughter walked in and she seemed upset I saw it off top. I asked her what was wrong and she was crying but not that hard cry It was like a mild upset cry like a stress cry. Didn’t she proceeded to tell me that her and her best friend had gotten into a hot tub and when they were getting out her phone slipped and fell in between the base of the hot tub and I guess the deck against the tub. And she’s stressing because she has no way to get it out She said and she has no phone and she needs a phone because of my grandson I want to be able to get in contact with her or vice versa for us to be able to talk.I need that find a way to help her and I don’t know how. I opened up my accountand showed her how much I had that there was no way I could right now I and I hate it when I can’t help my kids man I hate it I fucking can’t stand it.
I asked her if Greg was inside yet, and she said yes. Then I started venting about how I was just crying out for help because my back is hurting and he was in ther the whole time? That aggrevated meeven more I think. It kinda made me feel like I was being ignored and it hurt my feelings.
She contibues stressing me about not having her phone. Well, not so much as her phone. It was because of all the pictures, and memoeries she lost and didn’t back up so even if/when she get another one she’s not gonna have those special pictures of Lukah when she gave birth to him and a lot of oher cherishable memories. I;m glad I saved every pic she sent me. I just realized I’ll be able to help her get a lot of them back. Being the ones she sent me all the time. Plus her video clips she’s extremely fond of, and had a lot of them too you guys. I raised my arm pionting in the direction of the living room where Greg was at taking a brak from beig outside. She amentally said no she wasn’t ask him because he’ll yell at her if she does. ((He’s just a grumoy ass od man, who frustrated over money period. Whether it’s just talking about it, someone asking to borrow some (my son or bubbba who lives right behind us) and hell even when I ask him for some. He’s just very, whats the word? Cautious. I don’t blame him for neing that was either. He’s lent out money to other people so many times and was never repaid that he now hesitates when asked this present point and time, He’s never turned our children our grandchildren away though. Ever!
This week alone he’sbeen out almost $600 alone. My son’s moped was messed up and wouldn’t start up. Greg not only paid for the parts that were needed to fix it, but also fixed it for him as well. Since Nick has moved out, Greg hasn’t had any problems helping him out when he needs it so long as he doesn’t move back in here. I know that sounds fucked up but they butt heads so much. Thry are both stubborn as hell, two peas in a pod. And when they argue, neither one will back down, they just continue to try and prove their point to one another. Then I have to be the middle man and yell at them both telling them to shut the hell up and stop being so petty. Eventually they do but then they both continue trying to get in that last word. It wasn’t only down right botrhersome but obviosly totally uncalled for and gave me a migraine every single time it happened. I’ve wrote and talked about it so much. I’m just grateful for the peace and quiet that I now have. Truly Blessed.
So, thats how my morning has been since waking up. Now I;m sitting here at my laptop attempting to finish this post. I say ‘Attempting’, because I got distracted doing one little thing, which then led me to a full blown cleaning mode like I’m nesting or fucking something.
My friend Sam just now video called me on messenger and of course I’m gonna answer. She’s texting someone right now though. But back to what I was telling you guys. (and yes I’m carrying on like two (2) conversations at once.
I’m back again. Sam showed up no sooner than I got off the phone with her. That was wierd asf. She used to work at the same place I do but went on maternity leave. We started talking and getting to know ome anotther just before she had to leave. Since she’s been gone we’ve remained in contact and usually talk on a daily basis.
She had her baby boy like maybe 2 months ago (he’s still jus so little). Whenever she comes over and brings her lil ones along I just love it. I’ve gotten attached to her lil boys, especially her newborn. I think I love him almost as much as my own grandson. Or maybe it’s just the newborn baby thing. I really don’t know. But what I do know, is that I love holding him and loving on him, and making him smile and giggle.
Oh man when I have my grandson I just can’t get enough sugars from that little man right there. I want him to call me “Gigi” but I’ve been telling everybody whatever he calls me is what I’ll be so I’m prepared to be “gaga” or something, I don’t know.
Well my day thus far has been a little busy. I’ve been trying to just say wtf fuck I was going to say and close this post, but distractions hapen. I’m pretty sure there’ll be one or two more before the days over with.
My husband came in here and asked me if I wanted a chicken pot pie (KFC) if they had one, and of course I said yeah. Then I smiled and told him if they didn’t then he could wait the 7 minutes whiole they cooked one fresh. You’d of thought the fucking world was gonna end by the way his reaction came off, when I asked (told him) that. Lol! I guess he’s thought I was getting smart because he’s said “why come off with attitude”? And then I was like, “I’m not having an attitude, I’m just saying if they don’t have one I’d like you to wait the seven minutes it takes to cook one. That’s not bad. You got air conditioner in your truck.”
I shit you not he rolls his eyes before he turns and walks away to leave. I swear he can be something else at times. We’ve been together since I was 28-years old. I’ve now hit the 40- year old mark. I think by me hitting that mark, is what started his mid-life grouchiness. Remember we’re 20-years apart in age. He was set in his ways before I even met him. Large and in charge.
Until me. . .
I guess I’m gonna bring this to a close. I’ve got other lil projects in my head I want to attempt while they’re still on my mind.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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