I decided to share a lil more about myself to eveyone that reads or follows my blogging journey. Because to me it’s not just about my writing journey. It’s also about my recovery journey. Yes, I have created a website advertising that I, and a select group of others, are here for other addicts, whether in recovery or still in active addiction. In no way am I trying to put out there some false image of myself as this perfectly sober person that has all their shit together. Because I’m not!
I’m a 39-year old recovering addict who feeds meds to my body so my mind can cope with all of the bullshit inside my head.
((I hope that made sense to everyone who chose to click on this post an read it)).
I struggle with these afflictions on a daily basis and it sucks! I must admit though that my mental health hasn’t been giving me any trouble what-so-ever. I’m so grateful for that too, man. Because when one is in the throes of depression, bipolar 1 & 2, anxiety, PTSD, and all the rest of them, it pushes many, myself included, into wanting to use so we won’t feel any of that bullshit. That’s why I used. My mind contains everything that’s happened to me, that has impacted my mind, branding itself into a searing burn on the inside of my fucking brain. I didn’t wanna think bout none of that crap, much less remember the fuckin shit so I’d do any drug that made me forget those nasty, gross, slimy fuckin feelings!
I labeled myself a ‘Feel Good Junky‘. I did any drug that made me feel good. No! Made me feel fuckin GREAT. But I couldn’t see what my actions were causing those who loved and cared about me to feel. Honestly, I really didn’t care back then when I was in the midst of my drug use. I was still very young and figured I had my whole life ahead of me so I was gonna do what the fuck I wanted to do. Fuck what everyone else thinks or feels. They didn’t feel the shit I was feeling, or even know why I felt the way I did from jump. So, I continued my drug abuse. Causing a lot of damage to very important areas in my life, that I had no fuckin clue why whatever happened, had happened whenever it actually did.
I’ve held these words inside of me since last week when I was in group at the clinic. My dumb ass chose to use before I went in and there wasn’t a valid excuse/reason for me doin it either. I told my NP and assistant the truth. I love the fact I don’t have to lie to them. The fact I don’t FEEL that I have to lie to them. During group that day (being the Thursday before last) I had an anxious feeling in my belly. It was because I knew I was high around other ppl tryin not to be the way I was. I still admitted in group about my use that morning. They are nothing but supportive and understanding and I have a lot of respect and love for each an every member in my group.
By the end of group, after I journaled, I was at ease. There was no more anxious feeling in my belly, and in that moment I knew I was gonna be more than okay if I didn’t ever get high again.
I’ve been popping dirty with my drug screens for the past 2 months I know. This past week when I went in I was CLEAN. It felt so damn great, wonderful, exciting and jus plain ol’ good, to have pissed clean except for my meds. I like how I feel sober way better than I do when I’m high. My thoughts are collected and not scattered and disorganized. Being a big jumbled mess. I don’t take for granted this beautiful life I’m apart of bearing witness to my children grow up and start their own familie’s.
I don’t really know why I chose to write all this. But I jus got to studying that I didn’t want no one else thinking I’m something I’m really not. If I lose follower’s for posting this, I’m sorry if I let you down or if you thought better of me than I really am. I don’t want to live behind a logo or name of a website advertising myself in a better light than what I actually live in. I’m human like the rest of us are. I fuck up too. The difference between me and other’s tryin to act like me? I can call myself on my own bullshit! I can admitt my mistakes publicly in front of those I’ve hurt or mislead. And when I apologize I mean it with every fiber of my being.
There it is for everyone in black-n-white. The real Tina Peck. Take me as I am or leave me. But don’t tear me to shreds when you don’t really know me, and never truly have.