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MEET TINA. . . UNCENSORED & NO FILTER!

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I decided to share a lil more about myself to eveyone that reads or follows my blogging journey. Because to me it’s not just about my writing journey. It’s also about my recovery journey. Yes, I have created a website advertising that I, and a select group of others, are here for other addicts, whether in recovery or still in active addiction. In no way am I trying to put out there some false image of myself as this perfectly sober person that has all their shit together. Because I’m not!

I’m a 39-year old recovering addict who feeds meds to my body so my mind can cope with all of the bullshit inside my head.

((I hope that made sense to everyone who chose to click on this post an read it)).

I struggle with these afflictions on a daily basis and it sucks! I must admit though that my mental health hasn’t been giving me any trouble what-so-ever. I’m so grateful for that too, man. Because when one is in the throes of depression, bipolar 1 & 2, anxiety, PTSD, and all the rest of them, it pushes many, myself included, into wanting to use so we won’t feel any of that bullshit. That’s why I used. My mind contains everything that’s happened to me, that has impacted my mind, branding itself into a searing burn on the inside of my fucking brain. I didn’t wanna think bout none of that crap, much less remember the fuckin shit so I’d do any drug that made me forget those nasty, gross, slimy fuckin feelings!

I labeled myself a ‘Feel Good Junky‘. I did any drug that made me feel good. No! Made me feel fuckin GREAT. But I couldn’t see what my actions were causing those who loved and cared about me to feel. Honestly, I really didn’t care back then when I was in the midst of my drug use. I was still very young and figured I had my whole life ahead of me so I was gonna do what the fuck I wanted to do. Fuck what everyone else thinks or feels. They didn’t feel the shit I was feeling, or even know why I felt the way I did from jump. So, I continued my drug abuse. Causing a lot of damage to very important areas in my life, that I had no fuckin clue why whatever happened, had happened whenever it actually did.

I’ve held these words inside of me since last week when I was in group at the clinic. My dumb ass chose to use before I went in and there wasn’t a valid excuse/reason for me doin it either. I told my NP and assistant the truth. I love the fact I don’t have to lie to them. The fact I don’t FEEL that I have to lie to them. During group that day (being the Thursday before last) I had an anxious feeling in my belly. It was because I knew I was high around other ppl tryin not to be the way I was. I still admitted in group about my use that morning. They are nothing but supportive and understanding and I have a lot of respect and love for each an every member in my group.

By the end of group, after I journaled, I was at ease. There was no more anxious feeling in my belly, and in that moment I knew I was gonna be more than okay if I didn’t ever get high again.

I’ve been popping dirty with my drug screens for the past 2 months I know. This past week when I went in I was CLEAN. It felt so damn great, wonderful, exciting and jus plain ol’ good, to have pissed clean except for my meds. I like how I feel sober way better than I do when I’m high. My thoughts are collected and not scattered and disorganized. Being a big jumbled mess. I don’t take for granted this beautiful life I’m apart of bearing witness to my children grow up and start their own familie’s.

I don’t really know why I chose to write all this. But I jus got to studying that I didn’t want no one else thinking I’m something I’m really not. If I lose follower’s for posting this, I’m sorry if I let you down or if you thought better of me than I really am. I don’t want to live behind a logo or name of a website advertising myself in a better light than what I actually live in. I’m human like the rest of us are. I fuck up too. The difference between me and other’s tryin to act like me? I can call myself on my own bullshit! I can admitt my mistakes publicly in front of those I’ve hurt or mislead. And when I apologize I mean it with every fiber of my being.

There it is for everyone in black-n-white. The real Tina Peck. Take me as I am or leave me. But don’t tear me to shreds when you don’t really know me, and never truly have.

About Post Author

BooBoo

I have always loved expressing myself through words & I have been a bookworm since I first started reading. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now, if I could just teach people who can't read & write, HOW to do 2 of the best things to know how to in the world are? They'd be able to read all the beautiful, funny, scary, paranormal, romance, just all the wonderful & fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up with a good book especially on a rainy day. I work out in public, participating in being a functioning & contributing member of society. While at work I was outside smoking a cig & typing away on my Chromebook, when a very polite gentleman asked me how long it took to charge it. Not long I said, at least to be a dinosaur.He told me he knew about the older model I was using. I told him I was using to try my hand at writing a book. He ended up being a bookworm himself. Wishing me nothing but encouragement & success to finish. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their day job. But I'm gonna keep going & I'm gonna keep writing. I won't stop until I know without a doubt that I absolutely cannot succeed. Then. . . Maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chromebook for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though. ((UPDATE: OMG! I've finally connected all my accounts and plugins that I know I've got. Still learning new things tinkering with my website everyday. I'm in the process of learning about my Meta Pixel & how to set it up & send test traffic onto viewing the results provided for my knowledge on how good everything is going about putting my message out there that all I wanna do is help people that really need someone to talk to. I'd never discuss any privileged information. I too am all about my privacy. Still working on some kinks as far as myself goes. Trying to become more self disciplined than what I haven't been like lately. LOL! I do KNOW that my God is Awesome & is always there when I need to be dependent the most. I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers (if you pray) if you don't then please keep me in your positive thoughts in your mind. I need all the positivity and Good Vibes & Karma that I can get sent my way. I only ever wanna better myself by learning & gaining more insight & knowledge in everything I wanna learn how to do with all I'm learning now. I really never thought I was as intelligent as I actually am. NO! I swear I'm not bragging, like with snobbish pride, but pride all the same. Except pride because not only have I learned new things, I've retained the knowledge of everything I've learned how to do! That's whats awesome.))
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3 thoughts on “MEET TINA. . . UNCENSORED & NO FILTER!

    1. You have no idea how happy that makes me knowing I have your support on everything I’m trying to achieve with my site. You, yourself, are a power-house of knowledge and I’m so glad to be able to call you my bestest friend an biggest supporter. I’ve got mad love for you too woman and I always will.

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