I see you. . . Inside of my heart in that exact moment I realized I was bringing you life. Little did I know how important taking care of you was in the beginning. Because you ended up saving mine.
I see you. . . As my new born baby at feeding times. How it always took the power of 2 to do the job of 1. Bubba, always at our side ready to help. Shaking his whole body so the toy, tightly held in his small hands, would make enough noise to catch your attention. So you’d stop crying long enough for mama to burp you.
I see you. . . Awake, alert, and aware at all times, night or day. I swear you hardly slept or so it seemed. Content and happy, smiling and gurgling at the silly things Bubba, did.
I see you. . . Climbing over the side of your crib, making your escape. Falling to the floor making a loud thump. And you never cried like you didn’t just fall from your bed.
I see you. . . Feet hitting the floor taking off running full speed to go play. No. Running to the bathroom because once again, you waited till the last second and peed yourself.
I see you. . . Following Bubba everywhere he went. Stuck to his side and always on the back of his heels.
I see you. . . Catching on and learning everything so fast. Together all the time everywhere we went it was just us 3. You were soon dubbed, ‘Sissy’, by Bubba.
I see you. . . Starting school and catching the school bus in front of the house. You were so tiny compared to that big ol’ bus. You couldn’t ever wait till the next day knowing you were going to school. Hold on, you couldn’t wait to go anywhere as long as you knew you were going.
I see you. . . In my head when I was locked away not being a part of your life. During the years when you needed me the most. Knowing I’d give my life to protect you always.
I see you. . . Jumping up and out from your hiding spot surprised me when visiting me in jail. Seeing how beautifully dressed you were in your pretty new church dress and your white lacy socks. The visit was supposed to be a surprise. But I felt you in my soul and knew you were close by the night before when I was talking with Bubba on the phone. Asking if he’d spoken to you or knew you were in town. He didn’t tell me even when I told him I felt you near. He’s always kept your secrets. Real sneaky together were the 2 of you.
I see you. . . With your heart and soul shattered, not being able to allow yourself to trust anyone. Wanting me more than anything else. There are NO words I can use to describe to you the enormous amount of guilt I’ll carry with me the rest of my life. How I would let you down repeatedly, breaking every promise I made along the way.
I see you. . . Wrapping your arms around my neck with your feet coming off the ground. Having your hold on me getting tighter with every squeeze. And how I never wanted that moment to end.
I see you. . . Reassuring me of your complete forgiveness for not being there when you needed and wanted me the most. Those times you were so scared you couldn’t even tell your dad what was happening in his absence.
I see you. . . Already grown thinking about how funny it was to you when you’d jokingly tell me you were pregnant every other day. All but setting me up for a heart attack knowing at the time you weren’t ready to be a mother just yet.
I see you. . . With your best friend all the time helping her raise her child. One thing for sure was that you had plenty of experience.
I see you. . . Showing up at my work with your dad and him telling me you needed to talk to me. After I brought out his food and handed you your drink, you guys became so quiet. Only for you to speak up asking if you could come by and do your laundry.
I see you. . . Looking over at your dad smiling, not picking up on the unspoken words between you two. After telling you both I needed to get back in to work I started walking back to the side entrance of the store. As I reach to grab the door handle I hear your dad say yet again, ‘she just needs to talk to you when you get home’.
I see you. . . With a devilish grin on your face standing at the side of your dad’s truck. Looking to your dad as he lifts his shoulders in a shrug. As if he were saying, ‘I don’t know’.
I see me. . . Having stopped dead in my tracks with my hand hovering above the door handle. I turned around and pointed my finger at you while telling you that, ‘you’d better not be pregnant’.
I see me. . . Standing there saying nothing looking back and forth between the two of you. Then your dad shrugged his shoulders again. Except this time it was like he was saying, ‘it is what it is’.
I see me. . . Bending over placing my hands on my knees after I walked back inside. It felt like I was short of breath and was about to have a panic attack. Walking behind the counter to backline, I went right back out the back door.
I see me. . . Sliding down the concrete wall while pulling out my cell phone to call Greg. Being he’s the only one who can calm me down.
I see me. . . Breaking down in tears telling him what should have been this wonderful thing. Though I was scared for you and all the insane emotions a pregnancy will put you through.
I see me. . . So scared for your mental health that I literally made myself physically sick. So bad it felt like I was going through withdrawals all over again. Never was I worried about whether or not you’d be a good momma or taking care of your baby. That was and has been a given way before those 7 positive pregnancy tests.
I see you. . . Doing the damn thing by staying in school, determined to graduate. Having always been too mature and wise for your age.
I see you. . . During our facetime call telling me about your cravings and how bad you really wanted the weird combinations. You made sure to let me in from the very beginning.
I see you. . . Sitting front and center at your baby shower with your big beautiful belly. Glowing with so much pride that it radiated through the energy you put out.
I see me. . . Realizing how happy you truly are even though you knew it was only gonna be you and Lukah. It was also the same exact day I knew you’d be perfectly fine. After all, you’re a strong independent young woman. I knew you always would be. Realizing also how strong the bond between the two of us had grown and how nothing could ever change that no matter what the world threw at either of us.
I see you. . . In your hospital room having contractions, going through so much pain. While you were crying and telling mom you wished he would hurry up and come out of your body. But only because you knew the pain would stop.
I see you. . . Putting that nurse in check after telling you that you needed to be more quiet because the labor pains you were experiencing were only a mental thing.
I see me. . . Smiling at how you put her in her place. Taking the words right from momma’s mouth. And soon after you caused me to flinch from where you grabbed my arm and bit down on my hand that was entwined with yours.
I see you. . . Baring down and pushing with all your might to bring Lukah out into the light.
I see Lukah. . . Being pulled the rest of the way out and then placed on your belly so you can get your first look at your precious baby boy who you’ve been desperately wanting to meet.
I see you. . . Unleash your joy filled heart with only happy tears falling from your eyes. All that hard work to bring him into this world.
I see you. . . After having moved to another state and in with your fiance being the woman of your very own household.
I see you. . . During the most recent facetime, walk into your bedroom flopping back on to your bed while continuing to keep eye contact with me. Right in that moment Momma saw the mother, fiance, and BabyGirl that has grown into adulthood way too fast.
I see me. . . Writing this especially for you so that you really know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve accomplished.
I see me. . . Seeing you and how beautiful you are inside and out. Letting you know none of your boys could do without.
Momma <3’s you, Cedes