I had an assignment given to me last week during my 1-on-1 session with my counselor. The first letter she wanted to write to myselk was about forgiving myself. Reason bein was because when she asked me if it made me fell better? I was honest and said to her in response to her question telling her, “I feel as tho I’m lying to myself.” Writing it in hopes I’d actually be able to convince myself. I needed to tell myself I wasn’t being selfish if I chose forgiveness of myself. By doing so it might make me feel a lil better.
She noticed I was tearing up and asked why I was crying. I flat out told her the truth too. I told her that if ‘P’ hasn’t forgave me (my bestie since youth group when I was only 13 and she was 17).
We hit it off as soon as we met. I told my counselor, no, jkjk. I asked her how I could I forgive myself, if ‘P’ hasn’t found it in her heart yet to forgive me? Hell, maybe she never will. Or just maybe by some miracle she just might. But I know in my mind, body & spirit, that I’m still worthy of forgiveness not just from myself but from her as well.
I made myself realize that even if ‘P’ hasn’t forgave me, that I’m still very much worthy enough to forgive myself. I have a huge heart and I would give the shirt off my back to anyone that needed it, even if it left me without one to wear. There have been people that claimed to be my friend only to turn around and steal $400 from me, only I chose to forgive them because like them, I once was in active addiction and did some of the same things in which they did to me. Except I never stole anyone’s money they entrusted me with to get drugs for them. Instead of taking money that didn’t belong to me, I’d take some of the drugs I’d gotten for them. I considered it my right to do it because I took the risk to go and get whatever it was I’d gotten them.
Okay, I jus finished my one-on-one with a new counselor here named Quinn. He’s open minded and completely understanding. He even listened as I read a piece that Allison Marie Conway (one of the people I follow) had posted about her experiences about walking the sobriety path along with so many others in the world, doing their best to continue with their own journey and doing the same thing.We normally get that one shot at keeping on the right track. And I know I wanna keep this thing labeled ‘sobriety’ going as long as I can. It feels so good to be able to go to the doctor (any doctor) and not have to lie to them jus to try and get them to prescibe me what I want.
Example: Last year when I broke my foot by slipping off the bottom porch step and landing full body weight on the side of my foot, I never even thought it was broke. Bruised and sore yes. But broke, no. Until I went work the next day and showed one of my co-workers. When he saw my foot he said, “Damn Tina! Your shit’s broke!” I was all like “No it’s not. You think?” I only asked bacause I’ve never had a broken bone before so I didn’t know what it felt like. I’d jus assumed it was bruised and sore. Then about 3-4 hours into my shift was when I couldn’t bare to stand and put my weight on that foot. I went to the managers office to explain to her that I couldn’t make it the rest of my shift. I needed to go to the hospital so they could do an X-RAY to tell me whether or not it was actually broken or just bruised badly (this paticular shift manager is notorious for always telling employee ‘s that either call-in or try an leave early, to come back with a doctor’s excuse). That waasn’t a problem for me that time bacause I knew I messed it up pretty bad.
When the nurse practitioner came into my room, she was an NP I’ve known all throughout my life. Before my addiction even started an all the way through. When I seen her walk into my room my jaw dropped to the ground you guys. I haven’t seen this caring, awesome woman in over 10yrs. I told her she looked totally awesome. Because one of those last times seeing her she started on her journay of weight loss. Let me jus say she nailed it. I even told her how great she looked. I then told her I wasn’t there to try and get any pain meds. That honestly it didn’t hurt bad enough to have her prescribe me any. She was totally shocked when I told her that. To make a long story short. After the X-RAYS were taken an she got the films to look over, She came back to my room and told me I had most definitely broke it. The bone on the outside of my foot along with the last 3 toes as well. I thought to myself, ‘Damn Tina your a trooper for going in an workin the hours I did work.
My neice is who took me to the E.R. Since being home from prison, she’s only visited me a couple of times. Not truly knowing how much I’ve changed, was jus as shocked when I told the NP I didn’t want any pain meds. The joy and happiness showing on her face was even more envigorating and grateful to me, then getting a pat on the back from the N.P. (even though I’ve known the doc since before I was in my 20’s).
See my ADD kicked in. Gettin myself off track when I’m talkin bout forgiving myself. Well why I’m worthy of forgiveness. So I honestly started writing that letter the very next day. That morning to be exact. After finishing getting ready for work obviously. Then I wrote a lil more during a down moment at work. I ended up finishing the entire thing just yesterday.
When I realized it wasn’t Mrs. ‘L’, who I was having my face-2-face with made me kinda sad. Because she’s who I’ve only talked to about this entire “THING” between ‘P’ an I. She knows us both and councel’s the both of us. (Some of you may think there has to be a clause for a therepist or counselor treating two individuals that are friends. She was only allowed to do so because ‘P’ and I both had to be in agreement about the decision). But jus not hangin out no more because of the toxicity the friendship had turned into.
There was no dramatics between neither of us in choosing to separate ourselves for the time being. Who knows? Maybe one day in the future we’ll be able to pick it up again. Starting out fresh, leaving the past where it belongs. In the past.
At the end of the day I have chosen to forgive myself for hurting her feelings. If it was something else I have done to make her even more upset or even pissed off at me, then I’ll apologize for that as well. But regardless of the fact if she’s chosen to forgive me or not. Doesn’t mean I can’t choose to forgive me. At least I can now let this shit go completely. The only reason I even brought that old crap up was because I hadn’t realized I’ve never forgave myseldf before. Like ever in my entire life. At first I was mad as hell when I found out ‘P’ decided not to take that composition book and read it. What actually happened and the reason I made the decision to distance myself from her. Then it made me mad asf because of all the time and effort I put into writing all of. Like it completely fucking pointless because she didn’t wanna read it. Words that came from my heart. While still letting her know I cared about her deeply. All the pages I ripped out, crumpled into a ball and tossed in the trash. Only for me to start all over agin. So, to me? Hell yeah it was frustrating when I found out she did’t wanna know my truth.
Fuck it though. All that matters at the end of this day. Is that I know I’ve truly forgave me . . .