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Part 2: Forgiving Yourself …

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WARNING: What your about to read contains drug abuse content. I do not want to trigger anybody so please if easily influenced by such talk, I do not recommend that you read this.

So with the ripple having been formed that specific day, it only snowballed from there. I wasn’t on her mental plain of thinking because I didn’t know if she’d been up for longer than a week or if it was just a couple of days. Either choice I thought about was bad enough in itself. Her reasons for ‘preaching’ to me about my drug use was caused by me accidentally doing her half of the single line.

During the start of our conversation the next day, the reason for the continued topic kept going. All I wanted was for it to be over with already. Not with ‘P’ though. Not until she’s satisfied she’s made her point across the board. I remember sitting beside her while she was sitting on the couch. She picked up yet another reason that led to why she called me greedy. Starting off by saying shit like,

‘I know I’ve always told you what’s mine is yours, unless it’s the last of what I had. But Tina I’ve never seen you just take it upon yourself to do something I told you not to do. What if that was all I had and you done all of it?’

Hearing that question being asked of me almost made me laugh out-loud you guys I swear. So I bluntly replied,

‘If that was all you had ‘P’ then you sure as shit wouldn’t have laid it out in one single line for us to split. You’d have kept that shit for your own use when you were by yourself. I promise on my sister I didn’t intentionally do that much of it. Since your bitching about it so much, then why the fuck didn’t you separate that fucking line and do your half first? Seems like the logical thing to have done if you were so worried I might of done the whole thing. Which by the way you told me to fucking finish!’

I never got a real response after saying that. Getting home that day I made myself a mental note to have our group sessions be separated. I needed time away from her because she was off her fucking rocker.

When talking to Mrs. L yesterday she asked me again what I felt about having wrote that letter of forgiveness to myself. That’s when I said that I feel like I’m lying to myself. Now I have to write yet another letter to me asking or saying why I feel unworthy of forgiveness & why I am worthy to be forgiven. This entire ordeal with ‘P’ consumed my brain everyday. I finally finished my letter to her that I wrote in a composition book. Of course she didn’t take it. She’s closed minded as fuck and won’t let anyone influence her choice on the matter.

After talking to ‘P’ this last time I seen her in person. I told her I wrote down all I had to say on the matter. Now that I have gotten out of me and on to paper, I’ve let the shit go. I was finished with it. She seemed surprised when I told her that. Then she fastened her seatbelt, put her sunglasses back on and was ready and preparing to leave. As if she thought I meant I was finished with her. (Which is NOT what I meant at all. Not even close)

Now I’ve gotta write this fucking letter telling myself why I’m worthy but also why I feel unworthy.

UGH …

I would like just one fucking day to not have to think about shit I’m feeling. Or being stressed the fuck out to point I’m feeling that I need a substance to help me not think.

I’ll keep you guys updated.

About Post Author

BooBoo

I have always loved expressing myself through words & I have been a bookworm since I first started reading. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now, if I could just teach people who can't read & write, HOW to do 2 of the best things to know how to in the world are? They'd be able to read all the beautiful, funny, scary, paranormal, romance, just all the wonderful & fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up with a good book especially on a rainy day. I work out in public, participating in being a functioning & contributing member of society. While at work I was outside smoking a cig & typing away on my Chromebook, when a very polite gentleman asked me how long it took to charge it. Not long I said, at least to be a dinosaur.He told me he knew about the older model I was using. I told him I was using to try my hand at writing a book. He ended up being a bookworm himself. Wishing me nothing but encouragement & success to finish. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their day job. But I'm gonna keep going & I'm gonna keep writing. I won't stop until I know without a doubt that I absolutely cannot succeed. Then. . . Maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chromebook for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though. ((UPDATE: OMG! I've finally connected all my accounts and plugins that I know I've got. Still learning new things tinkering with my website everyday. I'm in the process of learning about my Meta Pixel & how to set it up & send test traffic onto viewing the results provided for my knowledge on how good everything is going about putting my message out there that all I wanna do is help people that really need someone to talk to. I'd never discuss any privileged information. I too am all about my privacy. Still working on some kinks as far as myself goes. Trying to become more self disciplined than what I haven't been like lately. LOL! I do KNOW that my God is Awesome & is always there when I need to be dependent the most. I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers (if you pray) if you don't then please keep me in your positive thoughts in your mind. I need all the positivity and Good Vibes & Karma that I can get sent my way. I only ever wanna better myself by learning & gaining more insight & knowledge in everything I wanna learn how to do with all I'm learning now. I really never thought I was as intelligent as I actually am. NO! I swear I'm not bragging, like with snobbish pride, but pride all the same. Except pride because not only have I learned new things, I've retained the knowledge of everything I've learned how to do! That's whats awesome.))
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