WARNING: What your about to read contains drug abuse content. I do not want to trigger anybody so please if easily influenced by such talk, I do not recommend that you read this.
So with the ripple having been formed that specific day, it only snowballed from there. I wasn’t on her mental plain of thinking because I didn’t know if she’d been up for longer than a week or if it was just a couple of days. Either choice I thought about was bad enough in itself. Her reasons for ‘preaching’ to me about my drug use was caused by me accidentally doing her half of the single line.
During the start of our conversation the next day, the reason for the continued topic kept going. All I wanted was for it to be over with already. Not with ‘P’ though. Not until she’s satisfied she’s made her point across the board. I remember sitting beside her while she was sitting on the couch. She picked up yet another reason that led to why she called me greedy. Starting off by saying shit like,
‘I know I’ve always told you what’s mine is yours, unless it’s the last of what I had. But Tina I’ve never seen you just take it upon yourself to do something I told you not to do. What if that was all I had and you done all of it?’
Hearing that question being asked of me almost made me laugh out-loud you guys I swear. So I bluntly replied,
‘If that was all you had ‘P’ then you sure as shit wouldn’t have laid it out in one single line for us to split. You’d have kept that shit for your own use when you were by yourself. I promise on my sister I didn’t intentionally do that much of it. Since your bitching about it so much, then why the fuck didn’t you separate that fucking line and do your half first? Seems like the logical thing to have done if you were so worried I might of done the whole thing. Which by the way you told me to fucking finish!’
I never got a real response after saying that. Getting home that day I made myself a mental note to have our group sessions be separated. I needed time away from her because she was off her fucking rocker.
When talking to Mrs. L yesterday she asked me again what I felt about having wrote that letter of forgiveness to myself. That’s when I said that I feel like I’m lying to myself. Now I have to write yet another letter to me asking or saying why I feel unworthy of forgiveness & why I am worthy to be forgiven. This entire ordeal with ‘P’ consumed my brain everyday. I finally finished my letter to her that I wrote in a composition book. Of course she didn’t take it. She’s closed minded as fuck and won’t let anyone influence her choice on the matter.
After talking to ‘P’ this last time I seen her in person. I told her I wrote down all I had to say on the matter. Now that I have gotten out of me and on to paper, I’ve let the shit go. I was finished with it. She seemed surprised when I told her that. Then she fastened her seatbelt, put her sunglasses back on and was ready and preparing to leave. As if she thought I meant I was finished with her. (Which is NOT what I meant at all. Not even close)
Now I’ve gotta write this fucking letter telling myself why I’m worthy but also why I feel unworthy.
I would like just one fucking day to not have to think about shit I’m feeling. Or being stressed the fuck out to point I’m feeling that I need a substance to help me not think.
I’ll keep you guys updated.