WARNING: There are a lot of ‘trigger’ words in what you are fixing to read. Just being sure to give a heads-up in case you’d rather not read about someone else’s drug use.
How’s that for an eye catcher of a title?
Last week at my session with my counselor. She’d given me an assignment kinda sorta. Wanting me to write myself a letter, telling me to forgive myself. A mouthful right there I know. (I only hope when I finish with this it makes sense). Now I have another letter I gotta write to myself explaining why I feel unworthy of being forgiven.
After we got in her office and she closed the door, I took a seat across from her desk. Then I pulled the forgiveness letter I had to write myself outta my purse. When I handed it to her she feigned shock that it wasn’t like 10 pages long. ( Because I’m notoriously known for writing long ass letters). Both of us shared in a little laugh to break the ice and get the session started. She started reading what I had wrote to myself. Upon finishing it she asked me how I felt now that I forgave myself. I was honest and told her I felt like I was lying to myself. When she asked why I felt that way, it was hard for me to explain it. Saying the words out loud, rather than writing it down. During this time I was messing around with a color app on my phone. A much needed distraction that helped me to get the words in my head out in order, to explain what I meant.
I feel like I’m lying to myself because if ‘P’ hasn’t forgiven me (and I think she has) then how can I forgive myself? She said I hurt her feelings. I did puposefully distance myself from her. But because it was something she said to me while we were leaving group one day (this was months ago). I had been fuckin-up in handling my ‘recovery’. I had been taking some of the 2mg Xanax that’s been floating around for sell lately. After group was over that day, she was ahead of me walking to the exit. When she turned around and out of nowhere and said, “I wish you’d relapse on heroin using a point. It’s the same outcome as you taking Xanax bars”.
I was completely shocked and struck dumb. Rendered speechless not knowing what to say. I was stuck. Folding it and tucking it away, I made a mental note to come back to it later. I continued following her outside to her car. She was my ride home that day, as she usually was. We kicked it together with some new people we met that afternoon.
‘P’s drug of choice is, and has always been hallucinogens (acid, shrooms, any psychedelic drug, & methamphetamine). Me being the complete opposite preferring downers. Heroin, xanax, Soma (narcotic muscle relaxers) and anything else that will give me the benzo buzz I’ve come to find myself in love with. She’s also never seen me in active addiction on heroin. I wanna say I’d feel like if she did, then she’d never have said it to me. But me knowing her and how she is, she would of said it regardless of whether she’d seen me like that or not. That’s just the way she is.
Initially that’s what caused the ripple between us. The following week I had group. While she and ‘B’ just had individuals (one-on-one with the counselor). Being finished already, I was waiting for them outside to be done, because ‘P’ was my ride home. Not just that but it was that one day a week I got to hang out and chill (and if lucky enough be able to find some bars) away from the house. Some me time, ya know?Before I know it she comes strutting out like always. Having that killer smile plastered on her face. Lookin at me with her beautiful grey eyes. She messaged me before coming out informing me she had “goodies”. Knowing she knew the “goodies” I liked, I was actually hoping she had some bars. Nope. It was meth. We went to sit in her car to wait for ‘B’s session to be over. ‘P’ doesn’t smoke in her car, so, I was smoking outside the passenger door. After I put it out, I sat down and noticed she got her paraphernalia bag out. Then she asked if I had anything to put a line out on. Giving her my little notebook I keep with me all the time, we used that. We made a tooter from a rolled up $5 bill. It was rolled very loose though. Causing it to be insufficient to use for doing the job we were hoping to use it for.
She let me go first informing me before doing it that it was some strong shit. I was like okay, and proceeded to do it. Since the bill was still loose I coudn’t get all of what I did where I wanted it to go. So I dipped down to get the little bit on my side that I had left. But when I did, I accidentally did half of her half. Instantly thinking “fuck”! I told her that I didn’t mean to. She laughed about it and told me go ahead and do finish it. She wasn’t lying when she said it was strong shit. Finally arriving at her house, I knew I had to run for the bathroom. I had my dose of suboxone that morning, immediately telling me I knew why it made me sick. It had been cut with fentanyl. It’s the only reasonable explanation for me puking my guts up when we got there. And I told them both what I thought too. Neither of them acting surprised when hearing it. In fact they agreed with me. (100%) Because there really is meth bein sold around here and in the surrounding counties, that’s been cut with fentanyl. A lot of people died by overdose. Because it being cut with that mixed with a combination of other drugs they might of used prior to using it or after using it. Then it causes respriatory distress, trouble being able to breath, causing an instant overdose.
Then ‘P’, started picking on me, saying I was greedy. And thats what I got for doing the whole thing. I was armed and ready with my personal barrage of come-backs. Shit I could say an call her out on. Makin it clear she ain’t the one to be talking about someone else bein greedy. Only I wouldn’t of called her greedy. A better derogatory name to label her with would be selfishness. And that’s saying it without anger or anomosity in my heart.
When we first started hanging out, I gave her dope every fucking day for I know the first 2 months, after we rekindled our friendship. Not once charging her or asking to be paid back for it. Even the times I really did pay for it so she’d not be without.
I was close to finishing what I was sayin, only for her to ‘shush’ me. That was just because she didn’t want ‘B’ to know how generous I was in providing her, her habit on a daily basis for that long. Not because it’s what I wanted to be doing (trust me, I’d rather of spent all the money I did spend, on buying me bars instead). But because she told me she’d get ‘dope-sick’ if she went too long (3days) without it. And I didn’t want her going through that!
Being an addict myself, I know exactly what being ‘dope-sick’ is all about. How it feels when goin through it. That shit is horrible you guys. If you haven’t any clue about being “dope-sick”, and haven’t experienced it on your own. Thank God right now you don’t. Because when someone is ‘dope-sick’ they feel so bad, so awful, and so shitty it make them wanna crawl outta their skin. Wring their hands out like they can shake it away by doing so. Or wanting to curl-up in a ball and die.
To be continued …