Good morning everyone. I hope everybody got as much rest as they needed and all slept peacefully.
I know from last ight until a little after 3am, my husband and I sat up talking about any and everything we could. It was actually very pleasing to the both of us. Being able to communicate with one another is something brand-new to me. Because I never knew how to do that without arguing.
I brought so much toxcicity into our relationship it ain’t even funny. I was beyond damaged when we got together. I know you’ve heard me, or read me, saying that exact thing several times. But it’s so damn true.
June 30, 2021- B (my daughter’s father) called me jus as my husband an I were about to have some quality time with each other afetr not having it in such a long time. He sounded as though he were in panic mode. Yelling at me to come pick our daughter up, that he was leaving and wouldn’t be there when we did get there. The only reason we went there in the first place was to rescue my child from her twacked out father that night. Well, when we got there, guess who we saw outside as though waiting on us to pull up? Yep, it was B.
He told my husband, when we pulled up, to go ahead and park. That we all needed to sit down and have a talk. To get things out on the table.
I looked at my ol’ man saying, “I’m not getting out of the truck.”
He kept on telling me ‘The sooner we get it over with, the sooner we can leave.’
I repeatedly said ‘NO. I’m not going in there.’ Needless to say I went inside anyways.
Feeling like shit was about to pop off, like I knew it would, we went in. Cedes, my daughter, showed her father a 3-5 second video clip of me falling asleep in my own bed, after I had taken my night meds.
Which are very strong anti-psychotics. Seroquel 200mg, and Remron 30mg.
He tried telling my husband I’ve haven’t changed at all and I’m still getting fucked up on pills.
He knew it, I knew it, and the ppl coming to him telling him that I was knew it.
It not only pissed off my husband but me as well. I was so tired of having to defend myself or explain myself, to a man that was no longer involved in my life. I got so mad I walked out and slammed the front door, forgetting I had to pee. (laughing on the inside rn) Only to go back in and use the bathroom.
While I was in the bathroom, B said something to cause my husband to walk out. I yelled from the bathroom at B that Greg put the peices back together that he ripped apart. Needless to say that royally pissed him off.
I finished up in the bathroom and walked back out to the living room. I was headed for the front door to leave. All whie B was still yelling at me. How he’s been the one whose always been there for our daughter. I was about to walk out on him, when suddenly he shut me inside the apartment. I calmly told him thank you and that he did a good job. It was enough to render him quiet. Thank God.
Then my daughter and I walked out and got into the truck to leave.
I can understand her hesitation in trusting me that I wasn’t getting messed up on pills anymore. But when I specifically told her the heavy night meds I was on, only for her to record me falling asleep in my own bed. Which is where you’re supposed to sleep I thought. She only showed him out of concern. And I get that. I really do. I just wish she’d of asked me first before showing him. Ya know?
Everything has been just fine since that night. Her dad hasn’t acted out like that towards me since. Idk if I have already spoke and posted on this. If I did and this is a repeat, I’m so sorry. I just can’t remember talking about it with all my fellow bloggers.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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