I’ve been going to Suboxone clinic for almost a year now. At first I was skeptical and didn’t know what to expect. It actually turned out to be a very good place to get help. I enjoyed it so much that I’m invited my best friend, to at least give it a try, because she is an addict herself. But her drug of choice has always been either psychedelics or methamphetamine. She’s also an IV user like I, myself used to be. Her first 2 weeks she worked hard at trying the sobriety thing. She even laid the needle down and stopped cold with that. Not using per say but being an IV user, she did great. I was so proud of her and bragged on her over and over again. So when she did relapse, she really didn’t want to tell me. I knew though. She wanted to know how I knew, it’s something you just know when your close to someone. They don’t have to tell you a thing. You just know when you see them, by certain ticks they have, that you pick up on or notice right away that they themselves don’t they are showing. We grew to be inseparable and every body that met us knew they had their own hands full with one of us by ourselves let alone when the two of us were together. We were loud, silly and loved to laugh. Love to make others laugh and feel good when we’re around them as well.
Only after a few months had gone by did I start to realize she had a little pattern she started creating for herself, she didn’t realize I too had noticed or caught on. Every person she said she was friends with, she kept separate from one another. Not allowing this friends to speak with or hang with another friend unless either she knew about it ahead of time, or she herself gave permission for the two to hang out with one another. Weird? It gets weirder.
After group the following week, she offers another client a ride. This client becomes out proverbial down fall, and the initial cause (by her doing, not theirs) of the end of our beautiful, what I once considered it to be, friendship. Why? They became a new plug that she deemed and made it nessesary to be known to me, that I needed to ask permission through her, before I could even speak to them again. Why? Remember our drugs of choice are way different. I’m a downer chick and she’s an upper kind of chick. I was getting Xanax, her amphetamine. The last week we hung out, I was outside the clinic waiting for her to finish up inside so she could take me to get my meds and drop me at home. She tells me she had treats for me with her. Of course I was like, okay. Yay! It wasn’t a treat for me at all. She cuts out a line and says half of it’s mine the other hers, because it’s very strong. I’m thinking yes ok sure. I do my half a accidently snort part of hers only for her tell me to go ahead and finish it. Well needless to say it makes me sicker than a dog. I also had my dose that day so I knew that crap had been cut with Fentynal. It was the only thing that made sense as to why it made me so sick. It was that day that changed her out look on me and it so called friendship. I was greedy, didn’t listen, and was out for myself. I looked at her questioningly line WTF are you taking about greedy? This coming from someone who got a bag of dope from me everyday for almost a month when we first started hanging with each other, for free at that, because being awake all the damn time isn’t my choice, or no where near the top of the lists of favorite things I like to do all the time. I love food and I love sleep. And they both go good together to let me tell ya.
But because I was trying to hurry and do that lil part of my line, because we were still in the freaking parking lot of the clinic, that I accidentally did a lil of her half, that I was a greedy person, and I got sick because I was being greedy. No bitch I got sick because that shit was cut with Fentynal.
That was all the momentum and excuse enough for her to start pulling herself away from me. Blaming me taking a Xanax every now and then was the real reason why she even told me I needed to ask her first before I contacted this common friend. The entire time she’s lecturing me mind you she’s digging and searching for a vein to hit. While saying this to me. I didn’t point out the obvious. It should of been transparent frfr. She was using my drug of choice as an excuse to say she was worried about me and that was the only reason she was being the way she was. I’m guilty as hell I’ll admit. But don’t be hypocritical the way your being and going about it trying to pass it off as you being worried for me. It was all about her and keeping this “friend” who is really her new plug, all to herself.
So when she made that comment about wanting me to relapse on heroin. That’s all I needed to separate myself from her. I didn’t need to ask questions or ask anyone if that’s the right choice. I know in my heart it is. But because I care about her and I have feelings for her I wanted to know why she could allow herself to say something out the way like that. If she were my real friend she’d of never thought it much less said it out loud to me.
It was sick. Twisted. And played right into her hand.
Then 2wks ago we spoke again. She told me her and her old best friend got into a physical fight and there was blood everywhere. Well, for some reason I found myself with this friends phone number and I told her what’s been going on between she and I and I told her I heard about the 2 of them getting into it and Panda having to have to hit her. When I tell you this woman about died laughing, having no clue what I was talking about, she told me in the 20+ years they’ve known each other, Panda has never so much as even laid a finger on her.
WTF is this chick thinking spouting such random ass lies as this one, from her mouth. About ppl she supposedly cares so much about. A narcissist is what she is and all she’ll ever be. Sad to because she’s a very smart woman with many talents. I miss her frfr. But I miss the real her not the idea of her. I miss the her she was when her friends seemed to matter to her the most, not the drugs.
Why can’t I have a real friendship with someone without the involvement of drugs always being at the top of the list??
Do I just attract this shirt of shit? WTF??
Seriously seeking answers I may never know the whole truth too.
Friend or Foe?
I think I’ll stick with tough love. And loving from a distance. While keeping my sobriety and sanity intact. I don’t know about you guys, but I need a vacation.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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