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Sometimes it’s like I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I mean I’m not sad or like majorly depressed, but for some reason today I don’t quite feel normal either. At work right now so I’ll try and remember to post later.

So here I am updating this post. I’ve actually been feeling this exact same feeling for a while now. If you’ve read any post of mine where I mentioned a girl named Panda, sadly we’re no longer keeping in touch. She said something to me that has sat me down for a minute. We we’re leaving group like almost a month ago now and she made a statement and said to me, “I’d rather you relapse on heroin and stick a needle in your arm then to take a Xanax”!! Seriously!!! Like I was speechless and taken aback by her brutal honesty of it all. Why? Because I know I’d die as soon as I chose to push the plunger home. So like is that what she wants? For me to die?

No, honestly she doesn’t want me to die but she does wanna keep me sick just like she is. I have a job and make my money to spend on anxiety meds off the street. She has no job to speak of other than cleaning her house for her partner so he’ll have a nice clean home to come to after work. So when I spend a couple hundred on myself and it doesn’t go to her drug of choice it pisses her off. The last couple of days I’ve only realized the amount of shit and drama she spout’s from her lips with every breath she takes. She even took it as far as lying about beating up her old best friend. Saying it happened so fast there wasn’t time for her to even react. There was blood every where… Tell me this then. (Like the joker, riddle me this) why when I show with this so called best friend and mentioned this to her saying my apologies along with it, she died laughing you guys and had no clue what I was even talking about. She told me that Panda has never put her hands on her in the 20+ years they’ve known each other. My mouth literally hanging wide open catching flies ppl you guys hear me. To go as far as putting it out there to everyone that she beat this woman up when it never happened… She needs extreme help. Help that I just can’t give her anymore. In the process of trying to help her I’ve almost gotten myself sick all over again. It’s Tina for tough love and from a distance at that. Emotionally strained and drained and stressed TF out. I’m keeping my head up though. I guess that’s why I’m so interested in psychology. To try to understand ppl like her. That lie and spout drama such as in the example I’ve just given you here.

I just wanted to help her stop using. I even got her into the same clinic as me. Now though, we’re as separate as any estranged friends could ever be. My choice to post on the manner she’s choosing to cope by acting out like that, isn’t keeping me sick, it’s keeping me aware. Ever reminding me that you can never fully trust or know ppl like you think you really do. Why can’t I find a friend, that just wants to be friends for the sake of being friends without drugs involved. Ugh!! I’m so over it you guys. I’m a survivor. I don’t have to live like that no more and I refuse to go backwards. So I’m loving from a distance. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts and I’m open to anything anyone suggests. I need feedback from you guys. Much needed.

About Post Author

BooBoo

I have always loved expressing myself through words & I have been a bookworm since I first started reading. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now, if I could just teach people who can't read & write, HOW to do 2 of the best things to know how to in the world are? They'd be able to read all the beautiful, funny, scary, paranormal, romance, just all the wonderful & fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up with a good book especially on a rainy day. I work out in public, participating in being a functioning & contributing member of society. While at work I was outside smoking a cig & typing away on my Chromebook, when a very polite gentleman asked me how long it took to charge it. Not long I said, at least to be a dinosaur.He told me he knew about the older model I was using. I told him I was using to try my hand at writing a book. He ended up being a bookworm himself. Wishing me nothing but encouragement & success to finish. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their day job. But I'm gonna keep going & I'm gonna keep writing. I won't stop until I know without a doubt that I absolutely cannot succeed. Then. . . Maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chromebook for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though. ((UPDATE: OMG! I've finally connected all my accounts and plugins that I know I've got. Still learning new things tinkering with my website everyday. I'm in the process of learning about my Meta Pixel & how to set it up & send test traffic onto viewing the results provided for my knowledge on how good everything is going about putting my message out there that all I wanna do is help people that really need someone to talk to. I'd never discuss any privileged information. I too am all about my privacy. Still working on some kinks as far as myself goes. Trying to become more self disciplined than what I haven't been like lately. LOL! I do KNOW that my God is Awesome & is always there when I need to be dependent the most. I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers (if you pray) if you don't then please keep me in your positive thoughts in your mind. I need all the positivity and Good Vibes & Karma that I can get sent my way. I only ever wanna better myself by learning & gaining more insight & knowledge in everything I wanna learn how to do with all I'm learning now. I really never thought I was as intelligent as I actually am. NO! I swear I'm not bragging, like with snobbish pride, but pride all the same. Except pride because not only have I learned new things, I've retained the knowledge of everything I've learned how to do! That's whats awesome.))
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