Hey Sis. I’m always wondering if your watching over me. If your proud of me and the progress I’ve made to living a better life. I wish you could talk to me and tell me how beautiful heaven is. I’m sure Lil Jesse is loving the fact he can fly and soar through the clouds with all the other angles. I wonder what he would look like all grown up like Nikki. Is he still attached to you at hip? I’ll bet he is. His love for you went beyond this world. He has always been your little man and has always taken care of you. Even when you didn’t really notice.
I don’t think there’s a day that goes by I don’t think of you and wish you were still here. I find myself thinking a lot about the past. Why is that? One would think I had moved on a long time ago seeing in how it’s been almost 20 years since you have been here. I just hate that the last image of you in my head is one of you in agony. How do I get that to disappear and go away? It’s gotten a whole lot better, believe me. But it’s a nagging fucking thought to have in the back of my head all the time. Knowing how you died. Knowing how Lil Jesse died. It’s tragic as fuck. I used to question God all the time. Asking Him how He could take you from me in one of the most awful ways someone could die. I’m so glad I no longer have to wonder if Lil Jesse ever woke up and was scared or if he suffered. God finally blessed me with the answer to that. Even though it was some years later. That was like a ton of bricks had been removed from my chest and I could finally breath. I think that was the one thought that bothered me the most. Not knowing if my 2 year old nephew suffered till he died. Just me typing this and re-reading it gives me chills. The preacher that finally reveled the long awaited answer was named John Akin of “The Faith Center of Paducah”. He started relaying the message by reminding me of Meshak, Shadrack, and Nebindigo in the bible. How could I not know who those wonderful and brave men were? They refused to worship a false idol (or god) and were sentenced to death. They were ordered death by fire. The amazing thing that transpired when the fire was set and they were bound in the center of it was Jesus appeared and was there with them. Their binds were undone and they started having fellowship right there in the middle of this huge pile of wood that was a blazing inferno!
That was how I received the answer I sought more than anything else in the world. I knew he was the biggest momma’s boy I had ever seen. Sharing a bond with you that was the strongest I’ve seen between mother and child. I knew in that instant he didn’t suffer. He didn’t wake up. He didn’t suffer a horrible, excruciating death. When the pastor said that Jesus was in the fire with them and they weren’t burning and suffering or even dying for that matter. I got a vision in my head right then of Jesus holding Jesse’s hand and walking out the front door of the house. The flames not touching them what-so-ever.
Your son blessed so many people that had a chance to meet with him and love and care for him. You might not have known it the but I’ll bet you know it now. I would have give anything to be able to hear him speak. He was so shy. Super observant and always checking out his surroundings and the people that came around. I loved the way he never let any guy get close to you. He was your protector. Your little knight in shining armor. You had him the whole time and never even knew it.
Ahh, to intake fresh air and breath without worry of things that have stressed me the past 20 years is AMAZING and utterly welcomed. I have shared my story here on my blog for everyone to read. Only if you all want to that is. It was right at 50 pages when I posted it. Hell it was so long that it probably hasn’t been read by many people if any at all. I haven’t received any comments or likes on it. So there’s that. I can only pray that the one’s who choose to read it are just as much blessed as I was by writing and finally finishing. Once it was complete I felt like a new woman. How incredibly beautiful it was to know I have finally put it out there. I went through a lot of raw emotions during the process of writing it. I was exposed. I went through all the emotions all over again. Of our relationship, sisterly fights where you showed me how to defend myself. I wouldn’t trade all those memories for anything in this world. I was truly blessed to have you as my sister. Teaching me the facts of life when I finally old enough to ask about such things. I just wish you were here now in this future I never pictured being in without you…
I will continue on sis. All the while keeping you with me inside my heart. Knowing that your my own personal cheerleader rooting me on and cheering when I choose the right path to take in my life. It’s refreshing to know that even though your not physically here. I know your spirit is. Forever living on in your 2 surviving children and inside not just my heart but momma’s as well.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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