Hey Sis. I’m always wondering if your watching over me. If your proud of me and the progress I’ve made to living a better life. I wish you could talk to me and tell me how beautiful heaven is. I’m sure Lil Jesse is loving the fact he can fly and soar through the clouds with all the other angles. I wonder what he would look like all grown up like Nikki. Is he still attached to you at hip? I’ll bet he is. His love for you went beyond this world. He has always been your little man and has always taken care of you. Even when you didn’t really notice.
I don’t think there’s a day that goes by I don’t think of you and wish you were still here. I find myself thinking a lot about the past. Why is that? One would think I had moved on a long time ago seeing in how it’s been almost 20 years since you have been here. I just hate that the last image of you in my head is one of you in agony. How do I get that to disappear and go away? It’s gotten a whole lot better, believe me. But it’s a nagging fucking thought to have in the back of my head all the time. Knowing how you died. Knowing how Lil Jesse died. It’s tragic as fuck. I used to question God all the time. Asking Him how He could take you from me in one of the most awful ways someone could die. I’m so glad I no longer have to wonder if Lil Jesse ever woke up and was scared or if he suffered. God finally blessed me with the answer to that. Even though it was some years later. That was like a ton of bricks had been removed from my chest and I could finally breath. I think that was the one thought that bothered me the most. Not knowing if my 2 year old nephew suffered till he died. Just me typing this and re-reading it gives me chills. The preacher that finally reveled the long awaited answer was named John Akin of “The Faith Center of Paducah”. He started relaying the message by reminding me of Meshak, Shadrack, and Nebindigo in the bible. How could I not know who those wonderful and brave men were? They refused to worship a false idol (or god) and were sentenced to death. They were ordered death by fire. The amazing thing that transpired when the fire was set and they were bound in the center of it was Jesus appeared and was there with them. Their binds were undone and they started having fellowship right there in the middle of this huge pile of wood that was a blazing inferno!
That was how I received the answer I sought more than anything else in the world. I knew he was the biggest momma’s boy I had ever seen. Sharing a bond with you that was the strongest I’ve seen between mother and child. I knew in that instant he didn’t suffer. He didn’t wake up. He didn’t suffer a horrible, excruciating death. When the pastor said that Jesus was in the fire with them and they weren’t burning and suffering or even dying for that matter. I got a vision in my head right then of Jesus holding Jesse’s hand and walking out the front door of the house. The flames not touching them what-so-ever.
Your son blessed so many people that had a chance to meet with him and love and care for him. You might not have known it the but I’ll bet you know it now. I would have give anything to be able to hear him speak. He was so shy. Super observant and always checking out his surroundings and the people that came around. I loved the way he never let any guy get close to you. He was your protector. Your little knight in shining armor. You had him the whole time and never even knew it.
Ahh, to intake fresh air and breath without worry of things that have stressed me the past 20 years is AMAZING and utterly welcomed. I have shared my story here on my blog for everyone to read. Only if you all want to that is. It was right at 50 pages when I posted it. Hell it was so long that it probably hasn’t been read by many people if any at all. I haven’t received any comments or likes on it. So there’s that. I can only pray that the one’s who choose to read it are just as much blessed as I was by writing and finally finishing. Once it was complete I felt like a new woman. How incredibly beautiful it was to know I have finally put it out there. I went through a lot of raw emotions during the process of writing it. I was exposed. I went through all the emotions all over again. Of our relationship, sisterly fights where you showed me how to defend myself. I wouldn’t trade all those memories for anything in this world. I was truly blessed to have you as my sister. Teaching me the facts of life when I finally old enough to ask about such things. I just wish you were here now in this future I never pictured being in without you…
I will continue on sis. All the while keeping you with me inside my heart. Knowing that your my own personal cheerleader rooting me on and cheering when I choose the right path to take in my life. It’s refreshing to know that even though your not physically here. I know your spirit is. Forever living on in your 2 surviving children and inside not just my heart but momma’s as well.
I love you Jennifer. Your my ‘Lil Big Sister’.