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Questions Run Rampant Through This Mind Of Mine…

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Were my words well received? This I must know. To share my words with the world and to say how much they mean to me I must try. If I don’t I can never say that I have. So if I do, I can never say that I didn’t. I can’t deny something that came from my heart. Once out of my brain and onto the keyboard on my site for the whole world to read. Then they are at once out of my head and heart. Here for record making. Here for me to reflect upon. Wondering exactly how much shit have I been going through? Just read me. That’s what my words scream. I’m here telling you so why do you have to ask? All so I can dig deeper to explain what I’m really trying to say. My mind is running rampant. Riddled with questions throughout. Having just come out of therapy I feel vaguely refreshed. With an expanding mind in the world of poetry I find myself falling flat on my face. Trying to teach my mind not to run so undesired through certain topics. I find myself quite content to stay in the mind set I’m already in. I’m telling myself I’m thinking good and positive things. Only for me to come home and fumble the fucking ball so close to a touchdown.

Dammit! Why Tina? Why am I so hard headed? I even have my numerology chart against me. Calling me out for everyone to read. All about my personal struggles and how I’m always going to be the one to get caught and made example of. Even knowing that, it doesn’t make me stop the crazy drive inside of me to not do the shit I know I’m fixing to do. Exactly what I’m not supposed to do, is what I’m now doing. Ugh!!! Not everyone can see me as the person I portray to be. They only know the ugly side. The side I am always trying to hide. The side everyone who knows me, knows is there. I unwillingly scream for help. I’m crying deep inside my soul. For a hand to reach out of the black abyss that is my life and lend a helping hand. No! Not my life. My secret!!! My unkempt emotions about things that cross my path. Cutting me off from all reality and making me believe that what I know will never come to light. Only for me to tell on myself and (what I wanted to remain a secret) the things I have done that have made me feel so shitty. As a mother. A lover. A parent and a spouse.

STOP!! That’s what I have to do. Put down the drugs and pick up an ink pen or pencil. Hell, even my laptop. Lightly tap the keys and form the words that give me strength. Words like, Help, Hope, Guidance, 2nd chances. All those words inspire in me a fire that stokes. Flames lick the ceiling and kiss the outer edges of each window pane and doorway. Ignite in me a desire to not only become better but to do better, and to live each day only one day at a time. Stop planning what I’m going to do from day to day. Pause and think. Reflect and learn. Detach me from myself and become one with the words now flowing into the darkness where the bad and vile part of my brain has been. To light them up and cast them out. Those dark desires turn into positive thinking that will then become positive actions. Today I am finished with the bad. I put it down to make this a good ending on a beautiful day. Sober I now am. Once again ready to re-evaluate myself and give said punishment for my transgressions. I think at times I don’t deserve the 2nd chance I was given because it didn’t come very easily or quickly. It was over a period of years. Only after me acknowledging the wrong I have done and coming to terms with it. Speaking about it and letting my loved ones know how thankful I truly am to be blessed by such, as only they know how, to love me the way they do. What a bright ending on a gorgeous day. Sobriety at it’s finest. Perfection undone. Love is tranquil. It plays it’s role wonderfully. Questions run rampant through this mind of mine…

About Post Author

BooBoo

I have always loved expressing myself through words & I have been a bookworm since I first started reading. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now, if I could just teach people who can't read & write, HOW to do 2 of the best things to know how to in the world are? They'd be able to read all the beautiful, funny, scary, paranormal, romance, just all the wonderful & fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up with a good book especially on a rainy day. I work out in public, participating in being a functioning & contributing member of society. While at work I was outside smoking a cig & typing away on my Chromebook, when a very polite gentleman asked me how long it took to charge it. Not long I said, at least to be a dinosaur.He told me he knew about the older model I was using. I told him I was using to try my hand at writing a book. He ended up being a bookworm himself. Wishing me nothing but encouragement & success to finish. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their day job. But I'm gonna keep going & I'm gonna keep writing. I won't stop until I know without a doubt that I absolutely cannot succeed. Then. . . Maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chromebook for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though. ((UPDATE: OMG! I've finally connected all my accounts and plugins that I know I've got. Still learning new things tinkering with my website everyday. I'm in the process of learning about my Meta Pixel & how to set it up & send test traffic onto viewing the results provided for my knowledge on how good everything is going about putting my message out there that all I wanna do is help people that really need someone to talk to. I'd never discuss any privileged information. I too am all about my privacy. Still working on some kinks as far as myself goes. Trying to become more self disciplined than what I haven't been like lately. LOL! I do KNOW that my God is Awesome & is always there when I need to be dependent the most. I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers (if you pray) if you don't then please keep me in your positive thoughts in your mind. I need all the positivity and Good Vibes & Karma that I can get sent my way. I only ever wanna better myself by learning & gaining more insight & knowledge in everything I wanna learn how to do with all I'm learning now. I really never thought I was as intelligent as I actually am. NO! I swear I'm not bragging, like with snobbish pride, but pride all the same. Except pride because not only have I learned new things, I've retained the knowledge of everything I've learned how to do! That's whats awesome.))
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