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Stage Fright

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I just read the poem I’m about to share…all I can do right now is shake my head and seriously laugh my ass off at the form I took when I wrote these things I called poetry. I mean I said I was going to share one. Right now I’m just looking for one good enough to post.

Yureekah!!!! It’s one of the funniest things I think I have ever read in my entire life. When I post it and it’s your turn to read this awful mess. I’m just not feeling it you guys. I was so young and hardly have any memory of being in high school. I’m never 100% sure where the coma goes all of the time, or if I have remembered ‘i’ before “e” except after ‘c’. I swear to god if I get bullied because of this from one of my friends, if they should see it and decide to read it, I’m gonna punch whoever brings it up first in the mouth. Seriously you guys it’s like that. Just know in the many, many years after this was written I have had nothing but time to buckle down on reading more and spreading my horizons if you will, on to more serious writing. Also, reading even better literature than I ever would have guessed existed. You’ll once again catch on to what I’m saying after you read this shit of a poem I wrote one night. Probably under the influence of some narcotic I’m sure. Again I’m being serious. Okay without further ado I now present you with…

Our Secrets Out

I have sat and waited hoping for you to come. My thoughts getting dreary, my heart going numb. Only you can ease my pain. Only you can keep me sane. I dream of you about every night. I push as hard as I can to move you to the back of my head. I’m still in love. Deeply so. Down. Willing. Ready to go. To have him hear of this he must never. Only because he thinks it’s him I love that way. Sadly not so. A great guy I’m dating now. How things took off. I never knew time could move so fast. He claims me as his woman and takes good care of me. To mess this up I wouldn’t dare. If you wanted me back though? I’d more than likely be down to go. I never exactly told him who I was with. Just enough for you to not ask no more. Don’t need you showing your ass. Drama always has to follow. That’s why on the first name I had to pass. Call me up bitching. Starting your shit. I didn’t get out but just a lil bit. I know I hurt his feeling. Of this I am sure. So yes the man is twice my age? No matter to me. I’m no longer trapped in a cage. Don’t want him around our kids you said. That about fucked me up and caused me to fall. One that dislikes has no room to disagree for he was just acting out in the same manner he’s saying he don’t like. Now no longer do I have to hide. I know this man will remain at my side. Finally finding out. Said why’d you lie? I didn’t I said. Now what? Huh? Bye! He hung up on me. Yes sure did. Mad about him being around our kids. I’d never put them in danger first of all know this. Know it good and well. I never called back, but worried I was. Don’t want him getting pissed. Trying to keep waters calm and still. That won’t happen if you have your way. Trying to remain passive. All the while the phone in my palm. That’s all that’s it for now. Keeping him away I don’t know how. Have to be honest and tell him he knows. All I can think is ” Man I hope this don’t come to throwing blows.” Nah, surely not. Sure enough you were just a thought. Tina Clark 27 yrs old 2008

Okay. I ‘m totally ready to get it after that. That was almost as bad as having your grandma pinch your dam cheeks way too hard at the family reunion. I’d probably pick the grandma squeezing my cheeks too hard than to sit through that one more time. I’m so glad I have a good sense of humor about this. The old Tina couldn’t handle constructive criticism at all. Now I’m down to know what I’m not doing right, if I’m doing wrong. Open to hearing new styles, forms, hell new words even. My vocab is utterly boring. I want to learn some spicy new words. Incorporate those into my vocab and eventually over into my writing.

Honestly that one alone was so bad I don’t think I’m going to post another one unless I’m writing it fresh. These “writings” if you will need to never see the light of day. No I’m totally being for real right now you guys. Like if you really only knew what I was talking about. I know I’m not alone in thinking that about myself. Like I’m sure many of you have felt the same or maybe similar to that, about your own written things. Surely I can’t be alone in feeling that way right. Because of course how dumb would I be then. LOL!!! Jk, jk calm down. No need to get in an uproar. Post no more!! Heard! Only from now on will I post my new writings. Ugh. Now I have a headache just from going through the few I did to get to that one above I chose to post. Open for comments. And hell if there was someone that read it and actually likes that poem, it wouldn’t hurt to get a like. Jus sayin…

About Post Author

BooBoo

I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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