Well as you can see from my lack of remembering to finish posting about the things I needed to get off my chest. I have almost forgot everything I wanted to talk about. Easy how one’s mind can let go of troublesome things. Seemingly not even knowing about it until I was ready to once again continue talking about what was bothering me. So as in the last post I was venting about my streak of petty things bothering me or pissing me off. A lot of little thing though eventually build up to be one big thing and before I know it I don’t even remember exactly what it was that made me mad to begin with because it was never just ONE thing. I hope I’m explaining how my mind ticks and the cogs function. It’s a helluva job being inside this head of mine. I sit back inside my own home and watch my family and how I’m a pushover when it comes to my kids. Especially my son. He’ll be 21 this year and has been living with me for a little over a year now and he was supposed to be saving up money for his own place to get on his own again. Well, let’s just say mom has been footing the bill for his smoking habit among other things. When I find out he hasn’t put any money up the past few pay checks and has been just blowing it on ain’t telling and games I’m sure. He never has conversation with me unless he needs cigs or wants to smoke some weed. Yes I smoke the marijuana. I’m a firm believer in it. That’s a topic up for discussion for a later time. Right now though, my son is my main topic. It has been the most troubling problem I think I have ever faced. To have to tell my own child, the fruit of my womb, that he has to get out on his own 2 feet. He’s grown and therefore needs to start acting that way. I’m not going to kick him out and deem him homeless. Never that. So let me just clear the air with that question if anyone by chance thought maybe I was going that direction saying he needed to be on his own.
Okay, whew! Sorry I just now clocked out for my 30 minute break. We have been slamming busy since I got here at like 6 am. Cars were lined out to the road, and drive-thru was completely wrapped. I went from making sandwiches, to the grill, to prepping items we’d need for lunch, then back tracking to the grill, then back to sandwiches, then on to prepping items we were running out of during the breakfast rush. So from 6 am till just right now, this minute. I have been busting my ass and feeding all of Paducah, Ky. Which is where I live and reside. Sometimes I hate it and other times I’m just kosher. Right now I couldn’t be more happy than to be on break. Not only for the down time, but because I get to blog to you guys and you can see with your eyes, by reading my post, wtf I’m really going through. They are in there switching over to lunch right now. Okay, back to my kid.
As soon as I hit the bathroom when I woke up this morning, my son was just waiting for me to come in there. Just waiting for the time to roll around for mama to get up. All just to ask me for some bud. I’m not gonna lie. Yes it pissed me off. Like he’s went days without asking me for bud because that’s when I know he’s got it. However he doesn’t tell me when he’s got some. Why? He’s stingy asf! Plus I won’t smoke his shit. Not that it’s not good. Just because if I also smoke with him on what he’s got, then he’ll run out that much faster and be asking me for some when he is out. UGH!!! I told him in a snap that it’s hard on me always footing the bill for either cigarettes or weed, hell most of the time both!! I never tell him when I get some, how much I’ve got, or what I spent. If he is out and really needs some for his anxiety, I’ll always come to the rescue. That’s what mom’s do for their kids. Swoop in and save them. Whether it’s for the good or the bad we always wanna make sure they are okay, happy, and have everything they need. Yes, I’m also well aware of the fact that I have also been enabling his habits, therefore he’s become dependent on mom. I started it. I’m also stopping it. ( Just talking about it in this post is giving me anxiety. I honestly can’t wait till I’m done. Matter of fact that’s what I’m about to do is stop talking about it)
I hope everyone has a blessed day. We were really shorthanded for the breakfast shift this morning and right now I just want to read. So with that being said, you guys have a good rest of the morning and I’ll be back this afternoon when I get home. All the love, from me to you.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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