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Ugh!! Depression and Anxiety Suck SOOO BAD!!!

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Well I’m at the clinic for group today. I really need it so bad. I’m gonna try not to take up this entire group session with my probs like I did last week. It’s crazy to think I thought I’d never be sober. The past 2 weeks have been so stressful. Not only with work, but at home too. I recorded about a 10 minute video clip of myself venting about the things that I have been going through. I have been thinking about posting it really. I’ve watched it repeatedly and the more I watch it and listen to it. Hearing myself venting and bitching very calmly, isn’t something I have ever done before. I have always been loud. I think it runs in the family for real. As I sat watching this video again, the more it made sense for me to go ahead and post. o while thats in the process of uploading my son just pulled up on his scooter from me “MAKING” him get off his damn game system, and go and get his money so that my husband can put up to go towards his own place to live. When he moved in from getting kicked out of him and his roommates apartment over his room being dirty, I didn’t believe it. The reason he was kicked out I mean. I know that all teen/adult, whatever, has had messy or dirty bedrooms. For him to be kicked out of a stable living environment over something so petty is what I was meaning. He told me all about it. I remember asking where his bed was when he first came back home. He told me that they piled everthing in his room up on his bed and they ruined it. It was no longer usable. Not right then at the time did I think for one moment he was in the wrong about their reason for kicking him out. That is until he moved back in with me. Back home with mom and dad. Don’t get me wrong now, he’s my child and I know how he has a tendancy to be and act. Just because he’s my kid don’t mean I’ll cover for him. Especially when he’s in the wrong. Well I can tell you with 100% truth and absolute, that’s exactly why he was kicked out. We are constantly on him here about keeping his room clean. Actually my daughters room that he was only supposed to be borrowing, for a short time of course. Here it’s been over a year already and he don’t even have $300 saved towards getting his own place. So I have been talking to him on days he comes to my room after work. I have evn asked if he were afraid to live on his own. Of course he said no. I have to give him more tough love. I know I do. Here the past couple weeks I have been a little more pushier I guess you could say. Not like “hurry up and get the hell out” kinda pushy. In him saving his entire paycheck except for his smoking habit, and rent, and gas money, maybe a little pocket change. Since he was just given a raise to $10.50 (which I don’t see how only because of what I see him like at home. lazy as hell) he’ll be making way more on his take home pay than he was when he was just at minimum wage being $7.75 an hour. He should have had enough money saved up by now, seeing it has been over a year since he’s been staying with us, for a first months rent or deposit on a place or hell even both. Now that he’s been living here I have had a chance to see how he lives first hand. Just like he did as a boy growing up and keeping a messy room only now that he’s an adult it’s like 10x worse than I have ever seen his room as a kid. I was literally at a loss for words when I seen first hand how dirty he had been living in that bedroom. He thought I was dissappointed when I seen it, but I told him if his dad seen it that he’d be way more upset and aggrivated than me. Did he listen? Hell no. Of course my husband seen it and boy when he did he told him there was absolutley no reason for him to live, how did he put it, in such squaler (not sure on that spelling with that word). It was all true. See I never spoke to his roommates mother. She was the landlord over them both. He kept telling me that his roommates bedroom was way worse than his. I find that highly doubtful and if it is true, then she’s no better than him for it. Finally, I have gotten most of what I have wanted to talk about out. It’s only taken me all freaking day. It’s now 8pm and I’m headed to my bedroom to have some dwn time. Maybe I’ll draw a little. Nevermind on that note. Husband just claimed the room first. He’s going to bed, when he was just sleeping on the couch. So I guess I’ll be staying in the livingroom a little while longer. Write later. Goodnight and God Bless you all. I’m off work tomorrow as well so I’ll try an remember to finish up what I was wanting to really do.

About Post Author

BooBoo

I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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