My neighbor was not only one of my best friends, but was always there for me and has helped me out wheneve I was in need regardless what it was I may have needed. She’s the type to give the shirt off her back to anyone that may need it. I was in active addiction an I did the most messed up shit to her. Earlier that day I had already stole an entire script of xannax. I won’t say where or tell details on that. So, anyways I ended up catching a burlary charge because I stole her script too. She walked straight into her living room an almost caught me in her purse. Instead she just caught me in her home. I lied with the quikest thing I could come up with and quickly said,” I’m coming across some bars in the morning an I just wanted to let you know.” She was like, “Okay, but you need to lesave because if Mark wakes up and knows your here he’s gonna be mad.” So I left with no more exuses. No sooner than I made it to my house than she realized what I really done. I was sitting outside at our picnic table when I heard her walking towards my house saying she was going to beat my ass. Then her husband chimed in that he was gonna help and thats when I ran in and told my husband that her ol man was gonna beat me up. I didn;’t say nothing about her because honestly I deserved it. She walked up in my house with a butcher knife the first time and wanted to search me because she knew I kept my pills in my bra. So I let her pat mw dwn. Nothing came of that night as far as fighting goes. The cops weee called and I lied and told them I put her dog back in the house because he got out of an open window. Satisfied with my story for the time being they left me alone. My husband found the pills took and gave them back to her the next day. I told him to go ahead and do it. I still was charged and taken to jail. There I sat for almost 4 years. Not just because of the charges she pressed but because I was out on bond when I caught those charges. About 2 months of being in jail I was served with another warrant with a list of like 5-7 other charges from just her husband alone. She had no clue he did that. So the next time I spoke to my husband I told him what goes around comes around. Karma always does.
Another few month or 2 go by and I made my usual call home. As soon as my husband answered he told me I needed to watch what I say. I didn’t get ewhat her was saying until he told me. Mark (husband of neighbor I stole from) was in a terrible car wreck and it killed him. I immediately started crying and told him I never meant no harm to come to him much less him getting killed. He told me he knows I didn’t mean for that to happen when I said that. It still didn’t change the fact I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. That night I sat down and wrote her an 8 page letter apologizing for all I had done to her an thst I was also sorry for her hudbands death. I’m happy to say she accepted my apology and didn’t go to the parole board to speak agaimst me getting out. She had planned on doing that before I wrote her that letter. Apologies go a long way especially when you truly mean it like I did.
So after about 4 months of being out I walked next door and apologizewd to her face and she hugged me and told me she forgave me. We again have been best buds since.
My husband couldn’t for the life of him, understand why I had such a huge urge to make ammends with her. Even after I explained it to him and the just of what it meant for me, he still couldn’t comprehend it. I finally told him if he had served 4 yrs of being incarcerated, he then might be able to understand why. To this day we are just as close as we were before I did that if not closer. It’s like it never even happened and we evewn joke about it too. All she ever eanted was for me to say I was sorry. That got me thinking if I would have done that from jump then she might not of pressed charges on me. But it was meant to be. The way I see it, she unknowingly saved my life. I went through 180 xanax in 2 days. I was literally begging death to come take me away. God made sure I’d never break any more promises of “I won’t do it any more”. After serving that much time away from any and everything, you have plenty of time on your hands to think and ponder on the things you have done wrong not just in your life, but to those you hurt, wronged stole from, lied to, just anything and everything will come into your mind and if your like me, then you’ll mentally kick your own ass over and over again. Let me tell you, I have kicked my own ass in the 3 1/2 yrs I was locked up, than whippings I got growing up. So if that tells you anything I beat myself up pretty bad.
The past is now in the past. That is where it is to remain. I have been forgiven by a lot of people I hurt and lied to. My kids were the most important one’s I was worried about forgiving me. They did it without hesitation. However I also haven’t made any promises to them that I won’t go back to jail. Vows I do make, promises I don’t but only because I have a tendency to break them every damn time. This coming October will be 3 yrs I have been home. I got released from probation early for good behavior, maintaining employment, and passing all drug screens. What! What! I thank God every day for the many blessings he has bestowed upon me and my family and friends. Without their undivided loyalty I’d not have made it this far. I’d of ended up back in the system sure as shit. But this time I actually had the will power and the mind set to want to not only be a better person, but to stay clean off benzo’s and live my life, to be apart of everyday life. Not sitting on the couch nodded out while life was just passing me by. Again, I’m not perfect by no means. A few months ago I relapsed on Xanax bars. The day I almost got fired from my job, was also the day I sobered my ass back up and made a vow to my GM that if I was given another chance I’d not let her down. I haven’t either. She inserted her foot in my ass and put me in my place. I love her for that. She don’t hardly know me at all, but cared enough to give me a 2nd chance.
I'd rather read a good book, VS watching the movie made from it on TV. Most thoughts on that are 'why'. Well, my answer for that is that there aren't any limitations to your imagination. Therefore, when I'm reading an action packed thriller that I can't put down or stop turning the pages of is because the details are written by the author describing the scene/situation with such clarity, that I think it's far better than what anyone can visibly see on TV. That being my opinion only, I'm sure millions and billions of avid readers out there agree with me 100% on that reason alone. I've always had an active imagination growing up. I'd use the almost empty cans of shaving cream my dad would give me, as the whipped cream on top of the mud pies I made.Of course dad got the first one. After all, he did give me the topping. I was very versatile also. I was the biggest tom boy of a little girl you'd ever see one day. To dividing Barbie clothes between me and my older sister (when I was lucky enough to get her to play with me). I had to play by her rules though. Perks of being the older sibling I guess. I loved playing with the Hot Wheel's cars in the dirt. Making race tracks and underground tunnels I'd dig out for them. Sometimes my dad would be outside with me showing me all kinds of different things I could pretend to do when playing cars. I have one day in particular that stands out among the rest. It was when I learned to do the underground tunnels for the cars to go through. He showed me by taking a simple stick off the ground and using it like a tool to push the dirt out from one side to the other. It wasn't a tunnel without keeping the top part intact. I acted like there was a cave-in, and then accidents, crashing the cars together. No one ever got hurt in my imagination though, just the cars got hurt. Growing up with a sister 6-years older than me taught me lots of things, both good and bad. If I kept her secrets, she kept mine. And the only reason I even had any secrets was because she allowed me to. I got to sneak and smoke in her bedroom at night after our parents went to bed. I had to be very quiet because I got caught most of the time. But I was always caught by our momma. And then all she made me do was get back in bed. I came from a poor family so anything name brand wasn't known to me for a long time. I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my school years. It doesn't matter which year you pick. From the 1st grade, all the way through high school. I know that's terrible to have to admit, but I think it'd be even worse having to admit to being the bully. I swore to myself I'd never treat anyone the way those kids treated me and made me feel. It bothered me so bad I'd dream about standing up for, and actually fighting over other kids getting bullied. I woke up all of a sudden one morning after punching the lights out of a bully in my dream. When I really punched the headboard and made my knuckles bleed. Come on! When a child is taking on the burden of other bullied kids, you know that's a heavy burden to bear. It was also very hard on me. I never talked about it to my parents though. Yeah, they knew. But back then no one really knew what to do about that problem like they do now. Or, well, think they do. I've been in counseling since starting school. I can't remember a day going by without me seeing the school guidance counselor. Shout out to Mrs. Reeves though, at Lone Oak High School. She made the biggest impression on me as far as wanting to help other kids like me. The bullies were actually the kids who came from well-to-do families. Kids who never knew what it was like to experience the disappointment of being told 'No'. Or that there wasn't enough money to buy what they wanted. Kids that figured there wasn't anything better to do except make fun of the less fortunate to get them through their day or to have a conversation piece. The anger and hatred that built up inside of me was, and still is undescribable. The thoughts they caused me to have. Picturing the tables being turned and the bad things said back to them, bad things being done back to them. It only made me feel better on the inside. I've been asked by numerous doctors in my life if I'm suicidal. I've answered no, being completely honest each time. But never have they asked if I've felt homicidal! I know, scary right? The outcome of such thoughts is what triggered the start of mass school shootings. Coming into adulthood was strange territory for me as well, and actually caused me a lot of uncomfortable times, knowing things I knew I could now do but never felt comfortable ever talking about. Even with my sister, the person I was closest to, I couldn't open up and freely talk about anything of the sexual nature. I guess because bad things have happened to me on more than one occasion when I was still very much an innocent child. With me hiding such horrid things from my parents, along with everyone else, I felt I couldn't talk about the good kind of sex either. Man did that ever set me back, keeping me immature of certain things I should've known already but didn't. Because in my mind I was still that child who was hurt in a bad way. They were called 'Red Touches' back then. What we were taught to call them in school anyways. Then just when I was becoming independent and living on my own, learning to stand up for myself in a way that would make my sister proud of me, I lost her. That caused me to go into a deep depression I didn't come out of for many years afterwards. March 29, 2003 changed my life forever. I lost my 2-year old nephew that night to a raging house fire. My sister passed 17 days later in the burn unit in Vanderbilt, Tennessee. However, if you've read 'My Story', a post on my blog. Then you'll know that in order for me to know what I now know, and to be the person that I now am, all of the bad shit had to happen first or else I wouldn't have caught and held onto the message so vital for me to have acquired in my life. Helping the less fortunate. Being someone's somebody they can depend on being there when they need them the most. After receiving confirmation that my nephew didn't suffer, not for one second in that house fire... Was I able to let that burden go, only to let in that oxygen, that life support I desperately needed to save myself from a lifetime of misery. Even though I know my sister, Jennifer, isn't physically here to cheer and root me on. I know without a shadow of a doubt, her and Lil Jesse (my nephew) are both doing so from Heaven today, and everyday that follows. If you're suffering from addiction of any kind and you want or need someone to talk to I'm a damn good listener! My contact information is listed on my contact page. Please call, reach out for support. You're not alone no matter what negative thoughts are telling you that you are. God is always there for you as well. If you'd like to learn more about Jesus and how He died to save us, don't hesitate to ask. I'll share what I know is all good, and positive about God. Whom I choose to call my higher power. If you don't believe in God, then the subject will not be pushed. EVER! If you're battling mental health issues and feel alone like no one knows what you feel like. Then I'm here to tell you there's billions of people out there that will share with you that they too, feel just like you do. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. All of my accounts should be connected to my website. If you're waiting on me to respond and it's been a while since you tried getting in touch with me, then by all means be more persistent and bug the shit out of me. Make me see your messages. I will eventually and I'll always reply when I can. This is the best I think I've written in this 'about me' section. It's the most I've opened up publicly I know that. I'm open minded, I keep it 100 all of the time, even if it's something I don't like myself, or for others, I still have to keep it 100 with myself in order for me to keep it that way with everyone else. I hope this told everyone a little bit about me, maybe more than I originally intended. But it's all accurate and up to date with where I'm at in my life right now. Thank you all and God Bless
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